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Kathryn Mayer • Writing Out Loud

I write stuff down. writer • humorist • activist

My Dumbass Husband Believes in Santa

December 22, 2010 by Kate Mayer 14 Comments

Husband doesn't appreciate Santa work
“You’re not writing about this, are you?”

My rather attractive husband apparently believes in Santa and this may be the year I stab him with a candy cane.

There’s mere hours until Christmas, we have four kids plus one, and we host Christmas Eve. For umpteen years, the same Christmas carol song and dance. Plus we buy for E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. in whoville.  Actually, we pull names for my in-laws, but there’s six of them, and well, six of us, so do the math.

For my side, we only buy for the kids, of whom there are 7, and for those adults sans kids. A few aunts and uncles. Couple neighbors. And the grandparents. Always the grandparents.

Which is the way I like it. If only there were a Santa. Amazon definitely has been a game changer for the better, and if elfing had the same prestige as knighting, I’d elf that company. And maybe Cracker Barrel too.

On Christmas morning – I shit you not – my rather attractive yet dumb as a rock husband will be awe inspired by the kid’s gifts, and not smart enough to shut up about it.

“Kate – look at that! Wow!”

He’s not faking. He is authentically surprised. And it’s all I can do not to tinsel his sorry ass.

Did I see it?

I found it, dumbass.

hard work to make Santa happen
Santa should get time and a half.

All of it.

Bought it.

Loaded it into the car.

Took it out of the car. Carried it up two flights of stairs.

Broke my back pulling down the attic stairs and launched the beasts into the attic.

Then took them down from the attic, removed all packaging, boxes and bags á la Grinch style. To make it all nice and pretty for Christmas morning.

Then I secured in construction style black garbage bags to shield snooping eyes from the glory beneath. Relaunched and heaved into the attic.

All between buses, sick kids, sports, deadlines, and the dreaded early dismissal from school.

Times 4. Or 5. Plus extended family which thankfully eliminates the hide-factor, but adds greatly to the shopping “find it” factor.

But the message is: there is no Santa.

It’s me.

It’s the mom. Every mom, every year.

I am surprised that year after year, my darling husband seems to think Christmas just happens like some made-for-tv movie or pathetic Kay Jewelry commercial. It doesn’t.

It’s a job. Hard, frustrating work that comes a huge payday. A little like childbirth: I swear, never ever again, complain relentlessly, but do it regardless.

I am forever pleased by the smiles and giggles and oohs and ahhs of kids, family and friends, which I sign up, again and again, year after year. And complain about it, but love it just the same.

But believe me: there is no Santa, and I have the backache and bills to prove it.


Virginia Gives Me Reason to Believe
2011 Will be Delayed

Comments

  1. LJ says

    December 22, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    Still laughing..this is the third time I’ve read it through. I think it helps that I can picture all of you in my minds eye! Have a wonderful Christmas. We loved the Christmas card, can’t believe you are so organized as to get them out before Christmas. Or wait, did Santa do those too?

    Reply
  2. Robin says

    December 22, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    Well…..at least there’s a smartass too.

    And a smokin’ hot couple you are!

    Speaking of which IMYA(s)

    XO

    Reply
  3. Michelle Saunderson says

    December 23, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Isn’t it funny how the men get out of doing all of that? I made my boyfriend help me wrap some of the gifts and you would have thought I asked him to chop wood. If there is reincarnation, I want to come back as a man who’s wife does everything for him…whouldn’t that be the life?

    Reply
  4. Leann says

    December 27, 2010 at 10:49 am

    A-frickin’-MEN! That’s all I can say to this!

    Reply
  5. Kathy (p/t writer, f/t mom) says

    December 27, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    But we do it again, year after year! WHY?

    Reply
  6. Kim says

    December 28, 2010 at 2:51 am

    It IS like childbirth, LOL!! Great post.

    Reply
  7. Kathy (p/t writer, f/t mom) says

    December 28, 2010 at 3:10 am

    thx kim! childbirth days OVER, but many more xmases to come!

    Reply
  8. MichelleGirasole says

    December 29, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    Haha – great post. This year, I ACTUALLY fell asleep STANDING UP in the middle of putting out the “Santa gifts”. (This was 11:30pm, after entertaining 25 friends and family all night.) My cat came over and I picked her up. She started purring, and I put my head on her fur, and before I knew it, my husband was waking me up. (Did he take pity on me and offer to help? No. But he HAD cleaned all the dishes.)

    Mind you, he has ONE person to buy for each year, and he STILL forgot to fill my stocking until the next day. But whatever. I have low expectations after 20 years of marriage. I filled mine myself.

    My BFF texted me the next day that “Santa” rocked it again this year, and I agreed. We decided that when our kids finally ask us if Santa exists, we’re going to tell them that it’s really not a jolly old man in a red suit that comes down the chimney, but a red hot mama who delivers the goods!

    Go us. And happy new year!

    Michelle Girasole
    http://www.TheSassyLadies.com

    Reply
  9. Anna says

    December 30, 2010 at 1:35 am

    LOL about the Kay commercials! Have you noticed the guy gives his wife a different gift every time? Sometimes it’s a watch. Sometimes it’s bracelet. We’re always like “What’s she going to get this time?” 🙂
    Merry Christmas and I’ve been meaning to tell you I like your blog!

    Anna
    http://www.acozylittleblog.com

    Reply
  10. MySkinConcierge says

    January 2, 2011 at 4:35 am

    Oh my can I relate! I also am a return to work mom & work just as hard on my blog! Let’s stay in touch! You can find me at http://www.myskinconcierge.blogspog.com

    Reply
  11. Claire King says

    January 2, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Ahhh, me and my kids agreed not to exchange gifts this year. Ahhh so stress free and relaxing and still have money in January. Like your blog-Claire King

    Reply
  12. Kathy (p/t writer, f/t mom) says

    January 4, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    I wish I knew how to comment after each comment! Thx for the support; glad to know ‘mine’s not the only one: that it’s clearly genetic. But here’s the hitch: he undid xmas. ALL of it: the boxes and bobbles and bags. Done. Tree: gone. Even vacuumed. A little public humiliation goes a long way!

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. The Right Gear for the Job - Kathryn Mayer says:
    February 3, 2015 at 3:34 am

    […] my rather attractive husband (RAH) may indeed believe in Santa, but more often than not, he also believes in me. Last Christmas, my hubby bought a laptop […]

    Reply
  2. Trading places: if I were a mediocre white man - Kathryn Mayer • Writing Out Loud says:
    February 8, 2018 at 12:41 pm

    […] I were a man, I could believe in Santa. Magically gifts would appear as if by elves – male no less – on Christmas Eve, and as the man […]

    Reply

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Kathryn Mayer

An irreverent storyteller with a foul mouth and big heart, Kathryn Mayer (aka Kathy and/or Kate) is a writer, humorist, and (former) activist writing out loud with humor and grace about little life moments with big ripples, including the space between parenting and aging parents, social issues, angsty reflections of midlife, and, sigh, gun humpers. Still. Sometimes a big deal, sometimes not Mayer is a national award-winning columnist, according to the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and her essays have been recognized as Voice of … Read More Here...

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