But I, thankfully, am not. Been there, done that.
Not to say I’m done momming, because the work has gotten a whole lot harder. But for Moms approaching my age, a lovely 46 with menopause staring me square in the face and the oldest in college and youngest eyeballing girls, we’ve got different needs.
So for the fat and forty crowd, here we go:
Wish List for Moms Post Car Seats
1. Tampons with timers. Admit it, you don’t know if you have one in or not, do you?
2. Evening of Primrose Cocktails. Wards off the evil breast cysts and softens the hormonal rages, all in one. On the rocks, with salt.
3. Reading glasses made of stretchy rubber/silicone so when passed around the restaurant, the fatheaded men who won’t buy their own don’t bust the arms off.
4. And how ’bout some LED light beams on those cheaters so we can actually see the menu once we get it in focus?
5. A GPS that doesn’t follow google maps: aka don’t-know-and-don’t-care-you-are-so-now-fucked-now directions that lead a crazed mom to whip said GPS out the window when trapped in a city closed for a marathon, late for kid’s state championship two short miles away but “re-Cal-CU-Lating” in a stuck up, hot girl British accent. I don’t hate that bitch one bit.
6. Tweezers that work. Better yet, drive thru waxing so the entire town doesn’t see my red racoon face every week.
7. Spanx jeans. Really, why work out so much when we can eat out and buy the jeans.
8. Ugg sponsored/manufactured mammography.
9. Electric collar device for snoring partners. And those chewing loudly. And loud breathers too. When did they become such loud breathers?
10. Ditto on teenagers out past curfew. Imagine if texting included electric shock after midnight?
I got more.
Adjustable type face for texting and Facebook (BIGGER and BOLDER). Gloves that work on touch screens. Underwear for somewhere between 16 and 60, but doesn’t make me feel like those old ladies changing in Loehmann’s – my own, personal childhood nightmare, thank you Nana.
Oh, and one more:
A filter. Between my brain and mouth.