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Kathryn Mayer • Writing Out Loud

I write stuff down. writer • humorist • activist

Broken Ass but Solid Vows

May 8, 2011 by Kate Mayer 18 Comments

Back injury lands writer in hospitalMy husband gets all the Mother’s Day awards this year: I get nothing but cortisone in the ass, Valium, Prednisone, and a walker. I have a walker. Not forever, but for now.Here’s the short story: I herniated a disc in my lower back – aka ass – and went from jogging, working, driving carpool and making pork chops one fine Monday, to pissing on/in/somewhere near a bedpan. Most of the time.

Just. Like. That.

In the scheme of cancer, stroke, dead dads, tornadoes, floods, dying kids, I hate to even blog about something so trivial, but for the last 4 days, I thought my days of bitching and tweeting and kvetching about the life I live was over.

But it’s not, and for that I’m forever grateful.

After a hurt back exasperated into a complete collapse on the bathroom floor convincing me I’d be that dead mom in the morning, too dumb to call 911 the night before, hence I decided I didn’t want to go out that way.

So I yelled for Kid2, but Kid4 awakes instead, comes downstairs, steps over me on the floor of the bathroom and proceeds to take a crap.

“Why are you on the floor Mommy?”

I asked him to please get his older, more mature sister, Kid2. Which he does. After he flushes and washes his hands. A solid win for the mom.

Kid2 arrives, like 6 days later. Told her calmly not to be afraid, my back was hurt, and I was calling 911 to get some help but didn’t want to worry her with lights and sirens.

She wasn’t worried. She got me upright, sort of, then the phone, where I called from my precarious perch on the shitter, handed her back the phone, which she promptly hung up.

I explained to my darling teenage #2 that our town EMTs volunteer, and most likely were kids or parents she’d recognize, so she immediately rushed upstairs to get dressed, and I’m while I’m not positive, I think she did her hair. And quite possibly a little make up.

The little EMT boys took me to the hospital, breathing a little too hard in my opinion loading my broken ass into the bus, and 4 hours later, I texted my rather attractive husband to let him know my heart was awesome, “a runner’s heart” and while back was screwed, I thankfully I wasn’t dying.

He hadn’t a clue.

Kid2, the social media Facebook queen, never called him. Never text. Tweeted, facebooked, poked, AIMed, skyped. Nothing. She went back to bed. She was tired.

writer recovering from back injuryBut my husband, got my 4:00 am emergency room, and made it from Richmond, Virginia to my bedside 5 states away in 3 hours to wipe my tears, pluck the hair from my chinny-chin-chin, and become mission command.

He didn’t flinch or leave or hesitate. Except, you know to drive to lacrosse, soccer, grocery stores, school, and carpool. And solicit the town I love to fill in the blanks. Which they did. Because they always do.

It’s a new corporate world out there, and his company, like all companies, are looking for heads to roll. To which he said, “Fuck ’em. I’m not leaving.”

I love this guy. A lot. He makes pretty obtuse kids, but he’s a keeper, without a doubt.

So my ass is broke, my kids rather aloof, but my marriage is good. And that is a Mother’s Day worth celebrating.


Best Kisser in Town Lands Great Job
Zero Tolerance on Zero Tolerance

Comments

  1. Mrs. Tuna says

    May 8, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    Holy crap batman!!! Hope your ass gets better soon.

    Reply
  2. scanman says

    May 9, 2011 at 12:29 am

    Listen that BUTT is too cute to be laid up for long. Those men of ours always come thru when needed. If there is anything we can do to help let us know, I will call your man tomorrow and see if he needs anything. You hang tuff but keep your gown closed in the back while you and your walker are heading to P.T.

    Reply
  3. Michelle Saunderson says

    May 9, 2011 at 11:35 am

    I can’t believe the kids. Thank goodness hubby pulled through. I hope your ass gets better soon.

    Reply
  4. Pam Houghton says

    May 9, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    You’re not alone. One of my kids acted similarly when my husband broke his ankle one Thanksgiving Day when he fell off a ladder while cleaning out the gutters (two hours before our guests were scheduled to arrive). I guess she didn’t see it as any big deal that he had to drag himself to the door and yell for assistance to get in the house. The teen-aged brain is a fuzzy one.

    Reply
  5. Kathy (p/t writer, f/t mom) says

    May 9, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    virtual friends my (broken) ass …. you guys rock. thx for the luv!

    Reply
  6. Robin K says

    May 9, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Must be the year of the broken ass. IMYBA. Sending healing vibes. R.A.H, RAH, RAH!

    Reply
  7. S. says

    May 9, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    I hope you’re better soon!

    Reply
  8. LazyMom says

    May 10, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    Feel better soon.
    HD

    Reply
  9. irishtwinsmommababybook says

    May 10, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    Ouchie wah wah!!! Poor mommy!!!!!! I hope you feel better soon!!

    Reply
  10. Jennifer says

    May 11, 2011 at 2:36 am

    You can sure tell a story that gives a 360 view of life in your home, even with a broken ass. Hope you are up and dancing soon, or whatever is first on the list of preferred activities. 🙂
    Jennifer C.

    Reply
  11. Kathy (p/t writer, f/t mom) says

    May 11, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    @S – hear ya sista!
    @LazyMom – soon has arrived!
    @Irishmomma – see what happens when they grow? The butt and kids!
    @Jennifer: Up is good. Dancing is better. 🙂

    Reply
  12. irishtwinsmommababybook says

    May 22, 2011 at 6:11 am

    How is your broken ass doing? 😉

    Reply
  13. Kathy (p/t writer, f/t mom) says

    May 22, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Irishmomma: am here and totally a-okay! just swamped with work catch-up, kids, and behind in posting! getting back at it today – fingers crossed!

    Reply
  14. irishtwinsmommababybook says

    May 23, 2011 at 6:23 am

    Oh I’m glad. My mom was out of service (got poked by a rose bush thorn and it infected her blood) and had to stay overnight at the hospital.

    It sucks when moms get sick. You aren’t suppose to! 🙂

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. My Boy is No Vagina Cleaner - Kathryn Mayer says:
    January 16, 2015 at 7:25 pm

    […] when holed up in the hospital weeks later when I broke my ass, Boy came for a post-game visit. He was sweaty, smelled like ass, filthy, and dripping with […]

    Reply
  2. Keeping that Vacation Glow - Kathryn Mayer says:
    February 5, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    […] I was a regular yogi, pre-broken ass, good teachers always talked about yoga-on-the-mat, and yoga-off-the-mat. To keep aware of the […]

    Reply
  3. Goals for the new year look a lot like the goals for last year says:
    January 31, 2019 at 10:30 pm

    […] Yoga. Once a week. Twice if I can make it. Good for the ass, heart, and […]

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  4. Yoga and humor for treatment of menopause says:
    March 20, 2019 at 3:39 pm

    […] Anyway, I signed up for the class, because who can’t benefit from a middle of the day, middle of the week yoga class for an entire month, specializing in all that ails me? And to think, a room filled with women just like me, and not some hotties on spring break putting their foot behind their head without either a grunt, or fart, or blowing out the L1S4 – again – otherwise known as my ass. […]

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About Kathryn Mayer

Kathryn Mayer

An irreverent storyteller with a foul mouth and big heart, Kathryn Mayer (aka Kathy and/or Kate) is a writer, humorist, and (former) activist writing out loud with humor and grace about little life moments with big ripples, including the space between parenting and aging parents, social issues, angsty reflections of midlife, and, sigh, gun humpers. Still. Sometimes a big deal, sometimes not Mayer is a national award-winning columnist, according to the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and her essays have been recognized as Voice of … Read More Here...

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