The 2, no 3 Most Important Things Your College Freshman Needs

STOP.

You don’t need XL long Pottery Barn sheets, desk organizers, mesh laundry bags, NetFlix accounts, or door mirrors.

You won’t feel any better about them leaving by buying all that crap. This much I know.

Before you try to buy your college freshman’s affection at Bed Bath & Beyond-ridiculous, Target or Walmart, I’m here to to tell you there’s only two things your kid needs for college:

Condoms & Purell. Which may or may not be used together. Ouch.

All wrapped up with a bow, with perhaps this bit of advice: one-and-done. Not for sex (well, sometimes….) but absolutely for drinking.

Kid #1 is packing up to return to for her sophomore year, and I am happy to announce, it’s not quite so teary around here. Not like last year. But if your college freshman-to-be listens to only three things it’s this:

1. Wrap it. Every fucking time. Pun clearly intended. I’m not a “Just Say No” mom, I’m more of the “Not, not ever, just not now” variety. How ’bout a 24 hour hold hook-ups Hollywood is so fond of?  No Strings Attached, Friends With Benefits, and generally sluttin’ around leaves hearts broken and viruses lurking FOREVER. Which is a very, very long time for a hurtin’ reproductive tract.

If you choose to have freshman love ’em and leave ’em sex, you’re not exercising the good brain that got you into that institution of higher learning to begin with. And you’ll soon realize just how skeevy it is once you’re not that freshman any longer. In about 15 pounds or so. But that’s a long time to wait. So how ’bout this: Wait 24 hours no matter how hot he or she is. And if he or she is still a good idea the next day, week, or weekend, then wrap it. Each and every time.

2. Wash your hands. A lot. And if you can’t, use Purell. Or the cheap, hand-sanitizing equivalent. Do this and you too can be swine-flu, pink-eye, and puke free your freshman year.

3. One and done. Binge drinking may kill you or leave you with puke in your hair. Or someone else’s puke in your hair which is way nastier. Don’t binge drink. No excuses. One & done. Period. And perhaps then the hottie from #1 won’t appear quite so hot to begin with.

That my friends should save you a bundle and leave your kid healthy and happy to return for a second college year, where you will have little to no influence over their life whatsoever.

PS. A word from Kid#1: Nothing is more depressing than a box of unopened, unused condoms.

PPS: A word from her mom: Yes there is.