I’m a working woman, who travels frequently for business (HA!) and was stopped during a security checkpoint due to an anomaly in my groin area.
Frequently means twice and business means I was on the clock, and groin anomaly means bulge between my legs. If I could only be so lucky, ba-da-bum!
Which I have none of, in fact, that supposed anomaly in the groin area. Except pubes. And the squishy extra skin that comes with having 4 kids through the ’90s and the subsequent 12 years of gravity on that said skin.
That’s the bulge.
Which I tried to explain to the friendly TSA agent in Orlando International Airport, when she stopped me after the I see London, I see France, I see your coochie-coo screening process.
TSA (blue latex hand in my chest): WAIT HERE.
ME: Here?
TSA: silence.
ME: Um, we good?
TSA: No.
Disgruntled hairy man ahead of me: “DON’T TOUCH MY BALLS, MAN! I’M NOT OKAY WITH YOU TOUCHING MY BALLS, HEAR ME? DON’T TOUCH MY JUNK!”
ME: He okay? Seems upset.
TSA: Protocol.
ME: And me? Can I go?
TSA: No.
ME: Why’s that guy so pissed off? Man, he’s mad.
TSA: Stand here (Twister type footprints on floor with blue latex finger).
ME: Can I squat? I have a bad back. Is squatting okay?
TSA: Squat.
ME: Thank you! But ew, I don’t want my hoochie-mama near this floor mat. Socks are one thing, but ew ew ew. Forget squatting. I’ll stand. Can I go now?
TSA: No.
ME: For real, what’s up? They don’t like my suitcase?
TSA: Your groin.
ME: My crotch?
TSA: There’s an anomaly in your groin area. (slides in with smile and whisper:) Watcha got in there? Anything?
ME: For real??? My groin? Those are pubes baby. And gut. Pubes and gut. That’s all I’ve got.
TSA: Pubes?
ME: Well, mostly gut. I saw the 2 hour delay, and went into the bathroom and peeled off my Spanx and back brace and ahhh, the dikes were broken and all was good in the world. Felt so good! Like the oil spill in the Gulf. But I assure you, the only bulge is my freed body parts escaping the Spanx. That’s it. Ha!
TSA: You took off your Spanx?
ME: Did you hear me? Two hour delay! That’s my boss over there: the Spanx and back brace are in my suitcase. I’m not free balling, lady. I put on undies.
HAIRY MAN: Don’t TOUCH my balls! (many, many TSA agents have now surrounded ball man, I assume, to ensure balls are not touched)
TSA: You’re pretty skinny, why do you wear Spanx? And only fat people have bad backs.
ME: Can I kiss you?
TSA: Don’t touch me ma’am.
ME: I’m tall. Not-so-skinny. And my new clothes didn’t fit because – seriously? – no one told me my body would do all this approaching 50. It’s bad enough we had the kids, nursed the kids, and now this? And I can’t exercise because my back is rusting and my ass looked like the moon and I wanted to look good cuz this is a work trip, I have a J-O-B, and that’s my boss, and we’re meeting with these big-wigs here and I’ve got to play dress up and look like I know what I’m doing so they don’t out me as a fraud and then I can’t pay for fancy-pants soccer for my kid or tuition for the smartypants spawn. Do you know what tuition costs? Holy mother of state school! So I put on Spanx, and waa-laa! But seriously, Spanx? Did you ever try those things? Ridiculous! They suck the gut right in and the air right outta you, and for a 2 hour delay? No friggin’ way. Not a chance I’m wearing that contraption a minute longer: crater ass or no crater ass. Did a strip tease the handicap stall; I’m sure you guys were watching. Oh my God?? Is that the problem? You saw me peel this stuff off? Lemme tell you, it’s SPANX. And the back brace is velcro — it’s cuz I have a broken ass. Or leaking ass, or something is leaking from some disc in my lower back, which really means ass but no one says ass, they say S1sub something. These days everything is leaking, you know and —
TSA: Please stop.
ME: Me?
TSA: Yes you. Come with me.
ME: Where?
TSA: I have to feel your groin.
ME: Now?
TSA: Yes now. We’ll get a room.
ME: What, no drinks?
OMG. you’re fugging pulling my bloody leg you are. Really? can you sue them bastards for anything? holy mother of…damnit woman you got some balls
Why would I sue them? It was the most action I’ve seen in ages.
no balls here, dahling, none at all.
I want to say that this horrified me and made me call the TSA to complain.
Unfortunately, that’s not what happened…I want to say it happened but, really, it didn’t.
I want to say that I didn’t laugh my ass off reading your tirade to the TSA agent. But I so did…
Sorry.
This is why I hate the TSA. No common sense. At all. None. They look at you, in your dress clothes, approaching 50 and think, “yes, she’s hiding a gun (or bomb) in her vag and is planning to kill everyone on the plane with six/eight/ten bullets” rather than thinking, “oh, she might have one/two/four/nine kids, a sagging vag and an aching back.”
What the hell is wrong with people?
She was actually very nice, and seemed a bit uncomfortable as well. Especially since I talked the entire time so that I could write it all down later!
Vanita sent me and I am dying laughing.
Dying.
I want to thank your meat curtains for making me smile today…that came out all wrong…I’m not a creepy person.
Did he have small hands at least?
It was a she. And her hands were not large enough for the topography she was forced to cover! Pls don’t die reading me. That would suckola, but be totally blog worthy!
Tell the administration to withhold funding from TSA until they respect the Constitution and the public:
http://wh.gov/RPx
1. Remove and destroy all imaging machines that potentially can “see” under our clothing.
2. Cease and desist all invasive patdowns that involve touching genitalia unless there is probable cause to believe that the individual has committed a crime.
3. Cease immediately harassment of people who assert their constitutional rights during airport screening.
http://wh.gov/RPx
Thanks for signing.
why aren’t you all techno-glitter and fancy? i’ll sign
ME: Can I kiss you?
TSA: Don’t touch me ma’am.
Those two lines had me rolling laughing cause it is JUST like that.
It was SO like that! Been there, eh?
Simply awesome. Thank you for allowing me to bust a gut at your discomfort. Also, Spanx are actually a torture tool invented by Torquemada, didn’t you know?
I will admit, my ass looked 10 years younger in those things! But alas, what goes up, must come down, as the TSA noticed all too clearly!
Oh my god, did this really happen, all of it? Because if it did, I can’t laugh it would be a sin to laugh at how fing horrendous this had to be for you. I’m no prude but between the guy in front of me and this lady wanting to ummm touch my va jay jay ..ok maybe I would laugh to keep from crying or stabbing someone with a pen 😉
You are funny and silly and I like you!
True, every word. And more. Loved every minute of it cuz I was blogging in my mind, while they were feeling me up (and down)!
Oh my god, did this really happen, all of it? Because if it did, I can’t laugh it would be a sin to laugh at how fing horrendous this had to be for you. I’m no prude but between the guy in front of me and this lady wanting to ummm touch my va jay jay ..ok maybe I would laugh to keep from crying or stabbing someone with a pen 😉
You are funny and silly and I like you!
Oh. My. Gosh! I feel like you wouldn’t tease us about something like this, but I laughed pretty hard anyone because I feel like you’d want us to…thank you! Did you make it home, or are you still shacked up with the TSA?
Home safe and sound. Spanx too!
laugh away darling, I am!
Holy mother of state shcoolers? You do ’em proud! I can so see all of this. Very, very, funny and yes, real. Bet you were speed-talkin’ too.
Okay THAT was funny. All of it. Even though I am very sure that none of it was funny at the time.
Hahahaha!!!! So funny. You need your own talk show to discuss this stuff. Thanks for the laugh!
Not only should outlandish groping from TSA agents be outlawed, but all Spanx should be burnt, they are the new stilletto heel torture for women along with pencil skirts, seriously who the frig can wear them? You done good, glad you didnt clobber anyone!
Delilah (Semi-domesticated mama) sent me, and man am I glad she did! A) I’m never flying again and B) I’d been wanting to try Spanx but thanks to you I know I can skip it and spend the money on margaritas instead. Thanks for the laugh!
Why hello there! Let me just tell you this about Spanx: they an evil, evil machine that work WONDERFULLY well. You go get yourself a pair, you’re gonna hate lovin’ them!
Sweet baby Jesus thanks for the heads up..I am flying out of Orlando at the end of the month.Note to self: no camel toe while doing the moose impression under the let’s see her naked machine.
good luck girl. safe travels, & enjoy the pat-down!
Just googled this to see if Spanx were a screener tripper and came upon your article. Still happening in good ole 2022. Thanks for making me feel less alone. Had on a form fitting, cotton and spandex dress from ON. I’m 58. If I was hiding something in that dress, you could have seen it with the naked eye.
Do I want a private screening room?
“Yes,” I surprisingly calmly and incredulously reply.
Turns out I was glad I did in that the screening was a little more thorough than I expected.
Next time I’m going commando through the machine. Let’s give em something to talk about!
hahahahah. and ugh. and hahaha. Thanks for having a sense of humor, and i’m sorry us women are subjected to $15/hour gropes from the TSA. It’s a weird, wacky world, but at least we can laugh at it. Thanks for reading!