I’m having a hard time getting back to life: attending multiple wakes and funerals for dead 7 year olds and dead moms tend to do that. Harsh words, but it’s a harsh world we’re left with.
I’m left speechless. And ambitionless. And aimless. And well, just tired.
I sleep a lot these days – soundly, like when I was pregnant and just need to shut my eyes for 10 minutes then zonk out into a deadman’s sleep …. oops. Probably shouldn’t say that. There’s lots of things I can’t say anymore, and even more I can’t hear.
Thoughtful emails, texts and calls from colleagues that hope I wasn’t affected directly by the tragedy in Newtown. Folks who only know me virtually, and only know Newtown from the news.
They don’t know that our high schoolers taught many of the dead kids to swim, cheering and coaching these little guys and sneaking them candy for breakfast. That our boy has multiple friends with dead siblings. That my college kid, so far from home, desperately searched for news about special needs kids she mentored, families she knows and loves. And that Kid3, a self-assured, strong, brilliant sophomore in high school, sleeps in our bed, so very, very sad and confused, unable to articulate why.
Every Newtown household knows somebody. If we didn’t coach, teach, babysit, carpool, play, or clip out articles from the Bee, our hometown weekly, about the successes and accomplishments of these families and leave them gingerly in a mailbox or under a windshield wiper, then our friends and neighbors did. It’s just that kind of town. Or it was.
The bottom line is: we are not directly affected. Unless you were one of the 28, and yes there were 28 people shot dead that sad, sad day, you were not directly affected. Our families came home. Most of our brave teachers lived. But somehow, even though these kids were not my kids, and these teachers not our teachers, and these moms and cops and truck drivers and EMTs and firefighters and classroom aides are not the very same people invited to our very own backyard picnics, they are people who we have met at somebody else’s barbecue.
Make no mistake about it: they were probably in your backyard too. Or on your lacrosse or soccer or baseball fields, or in your Christmas pageants or dance recitals, or wrestling or swim meets. In your classrooms. At your dinner table.
And now they’re not.
And with that, we are all directly affected.
Yes.
Won’t and cannot forget, it’s as if there is a string tied around one of the arteries of the heart, like a reminder string one may place around the finger? Except there is no string required. Because the images of all of those toothless, pigtailed, freckled, cherubic and young faces the ones of their teachers and Moms are forever tattooed on the heart as well.
It is hard to articulate when/that everything has changed.
Well said—and glad you put this out here the only way I’ve ever known you to do.
*hug*
As usual, you’ve put such a humanity on the way it is, and made me realize that no matter how far removed I thought I was, it happened to everyone. No wonder towns and families across the nation have been crying out about this one, in particular…you make the writer feel exactly (or as close as possible) what you’re going through….bravo, Kathy! You’ve done it again!
thanks friend. Want to hear small world? Daniel Barden’s mom teaches in Pawling; Daniel had Mrs. Gallagher as his kindergarten teacher there. SHS psychologist Mary Sherlach is Mr. Sherlach’s daughter-in-law. Billy Sherlach’s wife (matt’s brother — he was older than us, but quite the hottie!) Small world made even smaller by this nightmare. xo
So very sad. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry too. Thanks for visiting this sad site. I used to be funny, I swear I was. Do me a favor? Please write your legislature about gun control. thanks
There are just no words to convey how moved I think we all were to hear of this incredible tragedy. You articulated it all so very well here; we were all affected by this in one way or another, if only because it allows us to realize that tragedies don’t just happen in “other areas”; they happen and CAN happen to all.
(Also found you via a link that Kir from the Kir Corner posted on FB I’m grateful she introduced me to your beautiful and thoughtful writing today).
Thanks for visiting — love that Kirsten! I used to be funny, but broke my funny as of late.
I can’t even begin to imagine what else there is to do besides sleep, just a few stolen moments of dreamless sanity. I am so sorry for you, your family, your people and your town.
thank you, and pls write your representatives about gun control; this insanity must end.
Once again I am amazed at the grace you exhibit under such unfathomable difficulty. I hope that soon you and your family (immediate and extended Newtown family) are able to find some peace. I know that you are all broken hearted and broken in spirit. I wish that I could do something….anything… Please let me know…
write your representatives, daily. xo
have been… both where I live and where I teach….
Kathy, please accept my heartfelt prayers for you and all of Newtown. I found your blog last summer when I thought that I might not have my small part time job working in my town’s public school system. You inspired me to start my own blog (of which I have not made public yet). I was affected by this tragedy and am reminded of it just by the fact that I am a mom, let alone I work in a school. I was so sorry to hear how closely affected you are to this senseless event. Again, my prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry for all the families and teachers of Newtown.
Go public w your blog, you can be anonymous with your identity, and your authentic words may be a comfort to just one person, and that can be enough. Know your work in the schools makes difference. Many of my friends returned to work in the schools cuz of the flexible schedule…and now, finally, they are nationally recognized as the heroes they are. Thank you for what you do.
Now go hit “make public”
I think that it’s so important that you are blogging on this to help the world realize what an impact this tragedy has. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m not so sure it’s helping the world in the least, but hope it lets even a few people know this did happen and we will be forever changed.
Hello….your blog has entertained me and I have LOL’ed ALOT reading your funny spin on life as a working mom. I live in Sandy Hook and have a daughter at SHES….you said how I feel…thanks. I hope one day to give you a hug as I am sure I will end up meeting you if I haven’t already. Jodi
hello hooker! thanks for commenting, so glad you knew me when….back when I could make you laugh. Locals who read me often make me cringe, they know have the true picture. But you reading this particular post and connecting…thank you for that. Love to you and yours. see you at the deli.
LOVE your blog because you are real and I have a strong connection since I know the places you are talking about and feeling the same way alot of the time. Thanks for making me laugh and will continue to laugh again one day I am sure! Hugs!
It always amazes me how “real” you are and how private a person you can be yet share so much. So sorry to hear again how destroyed your community is. One person can make such an impact, whether for good or evil is just a toss of the coin. I continue to hope for peace and understanding of what took place and the impact it has had on our whole country.
I won’t forget…EVER. My heart hurts and it must only be a teeny tiny fragment of what you and your community are feeling.
Thanks for your kind words; your pain is real, my pain is real. yet unmeasurable against those who lost someone. xo to you and yours.
I can’t add anything more than the other commenters have shared – but I do want to say thank you for saying 28. As a teacher, and and as a mother of an about-to-be six-year-old, I understand the desire to focus on those simply doing their daily thing – but none of us can ever know that we won’t be in a similar horrible, painful situation.
Thanks for recognized the invisible two dead: the mom and her sick, sick son.
Thinking about you.
{Just wanted you to know that I read, and I am, thinking about you, that is.}
Thank you kindly. Now pls call your legislators and let’s stop this madness.
How powerful this is, and how much we need to hear it. We do forget, those of us who aren’t right on top of this…we go on, we resume our everyday life, we aren’t right there in the middle of it. It’s the story of your high school daughter that did me in. Yesterday, we had a lockdown at my school (due to some major behavioural issues in the building), and some of my kids needed to talk about “what if…”. Still really hard to fathom what you’re going through.
Thank you.
Thank you kindly. Please consider making the Sandy Hook Promise (http://www.sandyhookpromise.org/) to honor our town. If you could share the news of the SH Promise with your friends and family, I would be so appreciative! thanks for stopping by and commenting. and mostly, thanks for keeping Newtown strong.
Thinking of you and of Newtown tonight as I give my 6 year old his 37th hug.
Praying for those families and for all of you.
Thanks for the love. Having a hard time figuring out how to write about this. Too much too fast .. and too little too slow. It’s weird, but I so appreciate your support! xo
Hi Kathy,
I’m so sorry for what your community experienced and the horrific tragedy. Sending love.
Estelle
thanks for keeping Newtown in your thoughts, and i appreciate your sharing on FB! You’re the best.
Thank you for writing this and giving us a window into the world that everyone in Newtown is facing.I know what you mean when you said in an earlier comment that you “used to be” funny. I know because I was funny, too, before tragedy hit our family, and maybe there are glimmers of funny left, but there’s also a lot of grief and pain. Sending hugs to your community.
Kathy,
I’m so glad that Ann pointed the way to your blog tonight. I am a firm believer that writing it all out and telling people about your grief, the grief of your town, the grief of your friends makes a real and true difference. I’m sorry you and your loved ones had to feel it so directly, but your words are important. And I’m calling my legislator in the morning.
Sherry
@prcarrs
http://www.paperscissorskeyboard.com
Thanks for finding this post Sherry, and a HUGE THANK YOU for calling your legislator. I’ve opened hundreds of letters, logged in thousands of addresses, taking 1000s of photos of letters and loved reading each one. But I can’t help but think if only these folks contacted the decision makers with as much passion as they sent condolences to us, perhaps we could change the world. Thx again, i’m gonna find you on twitter