Cute little naked dude January 1 with a sash and top hat, then 12 months later – whammo – he’s a straggly AARP geezer with a beard dragging the floor, hunchback, and weather-beaten, tired face with desperate eyes pleading to Ryan Seacrest to put him out of his misery?
Here’s how to keep those pesky New Year’s resolutions:
Here’s my plan for 2015. Give it a shot, can’t hurt.
Move. Don’t care where or how: gym, hike, bike, walk, run. Just move.
Listen more and talk less.
If you see something, say something. Call out sexist, racist, and Sandy Hook hoaxers. Even if it’s Cousin Albert. Especially if it’s Cousin Albert.
Don’t be an asshole.
Go outside. When times get rough, go outside.
Be social. You don’t need to log into real life.
Apologize more, eye-roll less, and laugh. A lot.
Don’t live your kids’ lives. You had your turn.
Be kind. There’s plenty of time to turn on the bitch factor if things go south, so always start with kindness.
Get your parts checked. Colonoscopy, prostrate, breasts. So you’re around in 2016 to do it all again.
Leave your phone out of it.
Post real-life on Facebook every so often so folks realize shit happens, and you’re human. Facebook just makes it easy to fake it.
Look people in the eyes.
Bring your own bags to the grocery store.
Make new friends. Keep the old. Unless they suck, then ditch them and move on. Don’t let the Eeyores ruin your good time.
Stay informed or someone else will make decisions for you.
That’s it basically, and you’re guaranteed to keep your resolutions and not end up a tired old man come 2016. Get your holes checked, be kind, turn off your phone, get outside, listen, and laugh. A lot.