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Kathryn Mayer • Writing Out Loud

I write stuff down. writer • humorist • activist

Famous Funny Last Words

February 12, 2015 by Kate Mayer 7 Comments

Dying requests leave us laughingMy dad died thanks to that asshole, lifesuck pancreatic cancer.

On this somber anniversary, I want to share some of his very last, poignant words. (He had many others, and you can read about them here.)

He went through a rapid decline, could barely swallow, and speaking was getting more and more difficult each day. We’d only get a few words out of him, every now and then. Sometimes he made sense. Sometimes not-so-much.

He eventually stopped speaking at all. But not quite yet.

With only a sponge to give him fluids, one morning he asked for a lifesaver.

“Get me a lifesaver, would ya?”

The candy, not a do-over. Although I’m sure he would have preferred that as well, but at the moment, he only wanted a WINT O GREEN MINT.

One, teeny, tiny circle of sweetness.

Giving a dying dad exactly what he wantsMy sister and I knew better. Even something that small would make him choke and gag, and things could turn real bad, real fast. So we had our mother break it into pieces before giving him just one smashed bit.

She held her palm out, like she was feeding a pony, and offered the broken lifesaver piece to him.

He looked at her hand.

Then looked her in the eyes.

Then looked at her hand.

Then looked at me. Then my sister.

Then back at her hand.

Then, as clear as day, he boomed in that ageless, timeless Mike Mayer scary-ass voice:

“Jesus H. Christ. How fucking sick do I have to be to get a whole goddamn lifesaver?”


If you can’t say anything nice …
In the After, Compassion Wins #1000speak

Comments

  1. Jen Ayles says

    February 12, 2015 at 11:18 pm

    This made me laugh out loud! Kenny wanted a snickers….

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 13, 2015 at 12:59 am

      Sure hope Kenny got his snickers! Please know Jen, I have no doubt he and my dad would be bestest buds.

      Reply
  2. Jennifer says

    February 13, 2015 at 12:39 am

    I miss him everyday and regret not being there more. I’m sorry

    Reply
  3. Teresa says

    February 13, 2015 at 3:49 am

    Holy Crap..that was certainly Big Mike!!!

    Reply
  4. Carolann says

    February 14, 2015 at 1:06 pm

    That was funny what he said. God bless his soul. My dad passed last year too. Thanks for sharing this!

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 14, 2015 at 3:22 pm

      i’m so sorry for your loss, Carolann. hope his memory holds you tight

      Reply
  5. Robin K says

    February 14, 2015 at 3:19 pm

    Spot on. And hilarious. Always the teacher 😉

    Also, applies in so many ways. I consider you a whole Lifesaver giver these days with all that you do.

    Reply

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About Kathryn Mayer

CT writer humorist activist kathryn mayer

An irreverent storyteller with a foul mouth and big heart, Kathryn Mayer (also known by Kathy and Kate), is a writer, humorist, and activist writing out loud with humor and grace about the little moments of life with big ripples, including parenting, social issues, midlife, and, sigh, gun violence prevention. Sometimes a big deal, sometimes not Mayer is national award-winning columnist, according to the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and her essays have been recognized as Voice of the Year from SheKnows/BlogHer, named Best … Read More Here...

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