Teenagers take a simple ‘don’t ask, don’t tell‘ approach to sharing details from their life with prodding parents.
For some reason, this kid of mine, this fourth and final run through the teenager hormonal machine, thinks this is my first prom rodeo.
What’s a parent to do?
Ask questions.
I’m an asshole parent for asking a barrage of questions about the forthcoming junior prom.
My youngest kid, the Boy, graces us with his presence a mere 3-5 minutes a day if lucky – post practice, pre-shower – and with such limited face-time, we like to connect. And by we, I mean me. I usually get a glimpse of this kid of mine around feeding time, and am allowed one, maybe two, questions during the pasta shoveling.
I have to choose wisely before the allotted time expires. It’s like a shot clock in college basketball, and too often I bravely take the threes, yet come up empty. The questions below were not fired rapidly, but instead sprinkled gingerly weeks and weeks prior in an all-out effort to gauge the who-what-where-when of the traditional event.
Invasive questions I had the nerve to ask about the prom
- Hey, junior prom is coming! You gonna go?
- Do you want to go to the prom?
- Did you ask said girlfriend yet?
- Are you going to ask her?
- How are you going to ask her?
- Do guys wear tuxedos or suits?
- Did your girlfriend say yes?
- Are you going to the prom?
- Anybody pre-gaming prom parties?
- When do prom tickets go on sale?
- Can you walk your dog?
- Hey, what are your plans for the prom?
- Did you ask her to go yet?
- I don’t want to learn about you from Jay’s mom. Gimme a hint.
- How are you getting to the prom?
- Did wanna order a corsage?
- Did you feed your dog?
- Hey, what about pre-prom pictures? Want people to come here?
- Who are your friends taking?
- Who are your friends?
- Do you have friends?
- Who’s bringing the booze? There’s a breathalyzer you know. And then there’s us.
- Does so ‘n so have a date?
- Want your friends to come over after?
- Did you feed the dog?
- What’s the plan after prom? We have to talk about that, you know.
- Bonfire is code for blowjobs and beer; both of which can get you in heaps of trouble.
- Do you have plans for after the prom?
- No sleepover. Ain’t gonna happen. Nope.
- Is she your girlfriend?
- Do her parents know? Are you polite? Do they like you? Are you nicer to them than you are to us?
- There will be no sleepovers, got it?
- You’re gonna have curfew; sorry. How late do you think?
- Are guys wearing suits or tuxes?
- Are ever going to walk this dog?
- What color is her dress?
- Red solo cups get you kicked off the team; doesn’t matter what’s in it. Get it?
- You’re going where? Who’s that? Can we come?
- Do their parents serve?
- Who will be there?
- How long will you be staying at the prom?
- How are your grades? Quarter ends soon, am I gonna be happy?
- Did you buy your ticket yet? Need a loan?
- Did you feed the dog?
- You gonna dance? You gotta dance. You’re an awesome dancer.
- You wanna have friends over for hair and makeup?
- Want to invite her family here for pictures?
- You think maybe we should order you a tux?
- Pretend you begged for a dog and I got you one. Will you walk it?
- Want dad and I to drive you to the prom? Come on, it could be fun!
What did we learn? Nothing. His stonewalling grunts, idunnos, and shoulder shrugs drove us to drink. (Us, as in his dad and I. Not the kid. We don’t serve kids; not ours or anyone else’s, which is part of the reason for so many questions.)
This is just a sampling; I’m sure more were bounced off the back of his 17-year-old head as he left the house each morning, and the back of his ass as he went upstairs each night. To each and every question we’d get a grunt or an eye-roll or an exasperated huff, a mumbling under his breath, yet probably screaming in all caps on Snapchat:
“MY PARENTS ARE SUCH ASSHOLES.”
Which might have just been me hearing things, but a mom’s gotta fill the void with something.
So this is what this asshole parent knows:
- Apparently he does have a girlfriend and his girlfriend is his prom date; we asked for proof and got it. She is smart, funny, witty, and beautiful. We like her, in the 5-7 minutes we’ve been allowed to talk to her.
- He asked her in a classy, creative, inexpensive way (cuz promposals are complete and utter bullshit in my not-so-humble opinion).
- Yet-to-be-named friends are renting a school bus to take them to the dance from an unnamed person’s house who is also hosting pictures to which I am not invited but will absolutely crash and tweet all about it so follow me on twitter for that fun.
- His lacrosse coach gave the entire team a midnight curfew and will be calling to check they are home safe, sound, and sober – so yay me! My kid won’t be the only boy not allowed to stay over, and I won’t be the freak mom not allowing her kid free access to handles and snacks as a teenager mosh-pit of hormones takes over someone’s basement with not a condom to be found.
Prom season is the season of love and angst, a coming of age for high schoolers all across America and in basements and backyard bonfires everywhere. The traditions continue and secrets prevail, and it’s an asshole parent’s job to keep asking, keep annoying, keep parenting to do their very best to keep the ship afloat and their kid outta trouble.
Here’s to hoping the memories made are Snapchat worthy but not incriminating, dangerous, or landing on the police blotter in our hometown news.
LOVE!!!! You write the truth and make us laugh. Newtown’ s own. Kate Kathryn Mayer Boy’s mom coxoxix
Learned it all from you my brilliant friend.
OMG – I can so relate. This perfectly describes our now 25-year old son in his teenage years. You did way better than us, though – you got a lot more answers! Even now, we are allowed only limited questions. Hopefully your son will come around sooner. Great piece.
Thx for the read, and the hope in a few years he’ll be a bit more vocal!
Ha ha ha ha ha! (takes breath) Ha ha ha ha ha! Having a 17 yo boy myself, I’m with you! And I love his lacrosse coach. And I hate excessive promposals too (are we the same person?!). If you’re interested, my promposal diatribe is in this post: http://biggreenpen.com/2014/12/14/elf-on-the-shelf-detractors/ 🙂
Twinsies! Can’t wait to check your post out!
Ha! My oldest (also a boy) is 16 and this sounds like how all my questions went about Homecoming. I don’t think I had all the details down until he was leaving the house for the darned dance! Love it!! So glad I am not the only one whose son grunts and hides.
Months, years later, details emerge. Or so I hope!
I don’t envy you Kathryn. Gosh that’s a long list of questions for very few answers. The rights answers though. I heaved a sigh of relief for you. How’s your nerves???!! Thanks for joining us again at #TweensTeensBeyond
Prom is friday; I’ll know better then. Thanks for the read!
Wow! I cannot wait for this! You have whetted my appetite for a whole new scenario of persistent yet unanswered questions. Ugh! But how happy were you for the Lacrosse coach?! I love it when someone else is willing to be the asshole 😀
#Tweensteensbeyond
Very happy indeed; early game day should keep them all honest and safe. Fingers crossed!
seems I got off lightly- my daughter went to an all girls school and they had an all girls prom! so apart from having to sell a kidney to buy a prom dress it was pretty much stress free! Hope your son has fun. #TweensTeensBeyond.
He has three older sisters so we’ve bought a many a prom dress; and I swear, sometimes the bra cost more than the dress!
I have a few years before my oldest has prom, but this will more than likely be me, and I will more than likely get the same answers. Seeing as how he is only 12 and I only see him for about 10 minutes a day. Sometimes I forget that I have four, until he comes upstairs because he wants something to eat.
Mine has been forgotten too, many a times, as I lost count of kids. Just you wait!
Thanks Kate!
This sounds like hard work, but I can totally relate! I have 15 and 13 year old sons and have to ask the exact right question at the exact right time to get answers, but most of the time I don’t get them! My 15yo has a prom coming up. He doesn’t think he should wear a tux, but I don’t know what the other boys are going to wear. He doesn’t have a girlfriend and the school is being very strict about alcohol so fingers crossed it will all pass without a hitch!
#TweensTeensBeyond
Good luck to him; hope he has a blast and you hear all about it!
It is great to get an insight into how you all the do the prom thing, my 18 year old has his “Leaver’s Ball” as it is called over here in June. The parents received an email from the organisers pre Christmas asking us whether we wanted 1)a ticket, 2)an extra ticket and 3)a photo book of the event. After consultation with the teen we were advised that he did not want an extra ticket as he was going alone so as not to have spend money on a girl for the hell of it. From that I take it that the “girlfriend” rumours are unfounded or he is just tight or both! As for a curfew – there is no way a sports coach would get away with the curfew – after the ball, it is on to a club and who knows! Look forward to an update. #TweensTeensBeyond
Leaver’s Ball — sounds magical!
Prom-posals?! UGH. Great list, and I’m scared of these years.
Start saving now!
Love it, love it, love it. I am in the middle of prom hell with my middle daughter. Racking up the hair, make up, nails and fake tan bills. This is so funny, love the way you have written it. PLEASE tell me the dog got a walk eventually! Thanks so much for joining us at #TweensTeensBeyond
And the bra and/or boob tape. At least the boy didn’t need those!
oh my sounds so typical of most parents I know going through the Prom stage, with my 4 boys I bought them a ticket, sorted out suit, booked haircut and left them to it, 1 had a date that we met on the night and never met again, another of our kids (when we were living in South Africa) borrowed his dates convertible Audi to drive her to the prom in, her parents invited me to join them for pre prom drinks and photographs #tweensteensbeyond
I LOVE pre-prom drinks and pics!