Today I’m doing the boobs and butt thing. Mammogram and colonoscopy all in one day, take it or leave it.
Did the breast squeeze this morning, and that waiting room is the most depressing place ever. You feel guilty for hating the early release women allowed to dress and try not to cry at the sound of Arrid Xtra Dry aerosol fumes (how old is that stuff?). You sit, draped in pink starch, awaiting news from the Great Pathologist Oz behind the wall that you may now go to ultrasound … ‘should be nothing.’
My boobs are so filled with cysts, that if I had no cysts, there’d be no boobs in my bra at all.
Today’s count was 11 for leftie, 8 for rightie. And of course, that’s a-okay with me, cuz a needle aspiration never killed anyone and one more breast cancer diagnosis in my town and we got ourselves a little Love Canal action.
My ass is a whole other story. (I say ass, but I’m well aware it’s my colon: my rectum, large intestine, my guts. But ass is more blog friendly, and rectum is such an ugly word. RECTUM. Ew.)
This fanny of mine has been on the colon-most-wanted watch list for 5 years now, cuz guess what: 40 is not too young for colon cancer.
Went for “symptoms” (read blood) and my superhero gastro doc reassured me it was probably hemorrhoids,
“face it, you’ve got 4 kids, but let’s do a scope to be sure.”
Saved my life. Had he sent me away at 42 and had me wait until the prerequisite 50 and I wouldn’t be writing this now and my rather attractive husband would be married to an old, retired pediatric nurse who makes great pierogies, per our unofficial pre-nupt agreement.
Colon cleanse or dead? Not a bad choice and one I’m happy to make every 18 months or so, “just to be sure.”
So here’s my message to you: go get your girls felt up, smashed down, with a side of ultrasound. Don’t miss an appointment, no matter what.
If you think your ass is broke, it very well may be. See a doc. Don’t wonder if something is normal, find out and be sure. Pound shots of Super Bowl Prep Cleanse and poop like a fire hose out your ass. It’s good for 3-5 lbs and may just save your life. It did mine.
This made me cry, laugh and eat broccoli. Also? In process of annuals testing; one more to go!
Kathy (p/t writer, f/t mom)
We all have our own superbowel victory! This one is mine!
LOL – I’m with Robin, I’m laughing and crying all at the same time! I first learned of the breast smash pain when I was 25 because of cysts…we had to check it out and make sure it wasn’t anything cancerous – “just to be sure”…i knew then that it had to have been a man to come up with such a crass machine! We should make a machine that will smash their “goods” on an annual basis and see how they like it LOL
fyi – came over from All Fooked Up’s blog re: Jenny’s post and your comments which were freakin hilarious so I had to come and get some more laughs 🙂
Kathy (p/t writer, f/t mom)
**blushing** Awwwww Kesha… flattered and wish I was making this shit up, but i’m not. it’s real life girl, cysts and all! Think of this: ugg lined mammograms….wouldn’t that be nice?
Amy Saunders Lawer
Early screenings are still the best prevention, and I guess in some cases, just plain life-saving. If something called go-lightly (which is nothing but!) can save your life, then “cheers”, drink up. These once a year trials aren’t fun, but I doubt they were meant to be….I sent my other half with a strong family history for a colonoscopy, kicking and screaming, at 45. He said he didn’t need one until he was 50! I said I didn’t need to be a virtual widow prior to that, and would constantly nag if he wouldn’t go NOW….so he did. If nothing else, at least we know he takes good photos, there’s nothing wrong at this point, and perhaps most importantly, he understands that he really couldn’t wait. Now I can sleep at night….if I can get a mammogram and a pap smear every year, then he could humor me and get this very real threat checked out.
For the record, I’m really glad you’re ok, and will be around to make us laugh for many years to come~
try a mammogram when you have mastitis, it’s so painful you can pass out (I don’t think even S&M freaks would enjoy it)Glad you’re results were all ?good? keep that can clean ‘kay? When I had my colonoscopy done he said I had a thin back wall of my vagina, (I asked if he put the tube in the right spot, I mean really WTF?)