Today I’m doing the boobs and butt thing. Mammogram and colonoscopy all in one day, take it or leave it.
Did the breast squeeze this morning, and that waiting room is the most depressing place ever. You feel guilty for hating the early release women allowed to dress and try not to cry at the sound of Arrid Xtra Dry aerosol fumes (how old is that stuff?). You sit, draped in pink starch, awaiting news from the Great Pathologist Oz behind the wall that you may now go to ultrasound … ‘should be nothing.’
My boobs are so filled with cysts, that if I had no cysts, there’d be no boobs in my bra at all.
Today’s count was 11 for leftie, 8 for rightie. And of course, that’s a-okay with me, cuz a needle aspiration never killed anyone and one more breast cancer diagnosis in my town and we got ourselves a little Love Canal action.
My ass is a whole other story. (I say ass, but I’m well aware it’s my colon: my rectum, large intestine, my guts. But ass is more blog friendly, and rectum is such an ugly word. RECTUM. Ew.)
This fanny of mine has been on the colon-most-wanted watch list for 5 years now, cuz guess what: 40 is not too young for colon cancer.
Went for “symptoms” (read blood) and my superhero gastro doc reassured me it was probably hemorrhoids,
“face it, you’ve got 4 kids, but let’s do a scope to be sure.”
Saved my life. Had he sent me away at 42 and had me wait until the prerequisite 50 and I wouldn’t be writing this now and my rather attractive husband would be married to an old, retired pediatric nurse who makes great pierogies, per our unofficial pre-nupt agreement.
Colon cleanse or dead? Not a bad choice and one I’m happy to make every 18 months or so, “just to be sure.”
So here’s my message to you: go get your girls felt up, smashed down, with a side of ultrasound. Don’t miss an appointment, no matter what.
If you think your ass is broke, it very well may be. See a doc. Don’t wonder if something is normal, find out and be sure. Pound shots of Super Bowl Prep Cleanse and poop like a fire hose out your ass. It’s good for 3-5 lbs and may just save your life. It did mine.