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Kathryn Mayer • Writing Out Loud

I write stuff down. writer • humorist • activist

Vaginas for dummies: when congress flunks human anatomy

February 26, 2015 by Kate Mayer 10 Comments

Everything he needs to know about female anatomy. His wife will thank me.
Everything he needs to know about female anatomy. His wife will thank me.

Looks like Idaho Rep. Vito Barbieri might be in need of my most infamous mom services.

In particular, my sex-talk, this is how it works, here is the science and biology of the birds and the bees and everything in between.

Because Representative Barbieri asked at a public hearing about telemedicine and specifically how it affects women’s reproductive healthcare. He asked a Dr. Julie Madsen, who was testifying in support of telemedicine for women’s healthcare, if it would be possible for a woman to swallow a camera and receive a gynecologic exam.

“Can this same procedure then be done in a pregnancy? Swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is?” Barbieri asked.

Oh yes he did. Take a listen:

This takes me back a million years ago, not long after Our Bodies, Our Selves was published. I was the new kid on the volleyball team, and an older, beautiful, popular, way cooler Homecoming queen befriended me – in confidence. She told me with the certainty of her 17 years, lectured me really, the young, dumb, freshman, that she would never get pregnant, because she refuses to give her boyfriend blowjobs. “Don’t do it,” she warned.

“But you have sex?” I stammered.

“Duh, of course. I’m no prude. But no blowjobs, and if I do, I never-ever swallow. NEVER.”

She explained, holding court with my young, naive, immature self, how if you swallowed, well, the baby would grow in your stomach and you’d be pregnant. So no blowjobs!

I didn’t correct her. I didn’t contradict her, I just nodded, dumbfounded, as she generously educated me on these well-kept secrets of teenage love. She married that boy not long out of high school. Pregnant.

I should thank her, because to this day it is why I’m the sex-talk mom. It’s why my kids, and any kid trapped in the car during “the talk,” knows exactly what goes where, and when, and why it’s important to know exactly what you’re doing before you do it.

Once I was spouting off on the importance of sex ed in schools to a car filled with high school girls. One of them was incredulous:

“Sex ed in school? Are you kidding? They teach you nothing. Everything I learned, I learned car pooling with you, Mrs. SwimMom.”

Proud mama moment.

Maybe Rep Vito Barberie would like to drive a little carpool, so I can give him what he needs to know before he rules on legislation that effects the entire female population. Let’s limit unwanted pregnancies by learning how to not get pregnant in the first place. This is best done when you can identify the anatomy required to get the job done. It’s even better done if you have the parts you’re legislating about.


In the After, Compassion Wins #1000speak
Balls & Baginas (& Sour Grapes)

Comments

  1. Cathy Chester says

    February 27, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    As much as I’d love for you to get him in the car with you (grrrrr) I think he needs so much more than that. An elected officlal? For G-d’s sake, what is going on in the country? Sometimes I think we’re just going backwards.

    Funny story, by the way…

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 27, 2015 at 2:18 pm

      IMhO, we need more elected officials with the designated body parts they’re ruling about. We vote these jackasses in!!

      Reply
  2. Karen says

    February 27, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    LOVE this. My daughter and I were just talking about it yesterday–so if you don’t mind, I might have to riff off this post for one of my own some time soon. 🙂

    I find it so odd that we live in such a hyper-sexualized culture, and yet so few people seem to actually want to talk about it honestly. Or maybe that’s not odd. I don’t know.

    In any case, bravo!

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 28, 2015 at 1:59 am

      Riff away. Sad the Kardashians-esque monopolize the market selling sex, and yet too few know exactly what goes where, when, why, and how.thx for the read!

      Reply
  3. Beth Havey says

    February 27, 2015 at 7:26 pm

    Great post. I have said for years that anatomy and physiology should be taught in high school–so that people walking on this earth understand how their bodies work. We could raise healthier people that way, and keep idiots like this guy from opening their mouths–MAYBE!! Thanks.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 28, 2015 at 1:57 am

      Agreed! And maybe civics too, so people realize their votes matter, and can perhaps learn to choose more wisely!

      Reply
  4. BritishMumUSA says

    March 1, 2015 at 10:28 pm

    Wow, Oh boy and Wow again. Unreal that this is an elected person…. I actually believe it though. Hear hear to telling our kids boys/girls what the real deal is….. Prevention is BEST!!! Education is KEY!!!!

    I too have done the car drill, it is the only way to get through to a teen, a moving vehicle that they can’t escape from 🙂

    Nice one mom….

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      March 2, 2015 at 3:51 am

      All the important stuff gets discussed in the car: seatbelts and just keep driving until convo is over!

      Reply
  5. Keisha | The Girl Next Door is Black says

    March 2, 2015 at 1:03 am

    So, any idea if that older HS girl ended up getting pregnant, you know, the real way? 😉

    Great post!

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      March 2, 2015 at 3:50 am

      Doubt swallowing got the job done. Thx for the read!

      Reply

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About Kathryn Mayer

Kathryn Mayer

An irreverent storyteller with a foul mouth and big heart, Kathryn Mayer (aka Kathy and/or Kate) is a writer, humorist, and (former) activist writing out loud with humor and grace about little life moments with big ripples, including the space between parenting and aging parents, social issues, angsty reflections of midlife, and, sigh, gun humpers. Still. Sometimes a big deal, sometimes not Mayer is a national award-winning columnist, according to the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and her essays have been recognized as Voice of … Read More Here...

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