Vaginas for dummies: when congress flunks human anatomy

Looks like Idaho Rep. Vito Barbieri might be in need of my most infamous mom services.

In particular, my sex-talk, this is how it works, here is the science and biology of the birds and the bees and everything in between.

Because Representative Barbieri asked at a public hearing about telemedicine and specifically how it affects women’s reproductive healthcare. He asked a Dr. Julie Madsen, who was testifying in support of telemedicine for women’s healthcare, if it would be possible for a woman to swallow a camera and receive a gynecologic exam.

“Can this same procedure then be done in a pregnancy? Swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is?” Barbieri asked.

Oh yes he did. Take a listen:

This takes me back a million years ago, not long after Our Bodies, Our Selves was published. I was the new kid on the volleyball team, and an older, beautiful, popular, way cooler Homecoming queen befriended me – in confidence. She told me with the certainty of her 17 years, lectured me really, the young, dumb, freshman, that she would never get pregnant, because she refuses to give her boyfriend blowjobs. “Don’t do it,” she warned.

“But you have sex?” I stammered.

“Duh, of course. I’m no prude. But no blowjobs, and if I do, I never-ever swallow. NEVER.”

She explained, holding court with my young, naive, immature self, how if you swallowed, well, the baby would grow in your stomach and you’d be pregnant. So no blowjobs!

I didn’t correct her. I didn’t contradict her, I just nodded, dumbfounded, as she generously educated me on these well-kept secrets of teenage love. She married that boy not long out of high school. Pregnant.

I should thank her, because to this day it is why I’m the sex-talk mom. It’s why my kids, and any kid trapped in the car during “the talk,” knows exactly what goes where, and when, and why it’s important to know exactly what you’re doing before you do it.

Once I was spouting off on the importance of sex ed in schools to a car filled with high school girls. One of them was incredulous:

“Sex ed in school? Are you kidding? They teach you nothing. Everything I learned, I learned car pooling with you, Mrs. SwimMom.”

Proud mama moment.

Maybe Rep Vito Barberie would like to drive a little carpool, so I can give him what he needs to know before he rules on legislation that effects the entire female population. Let’s limit unwanted pregnancies by learning how to not get pregnant in the first place. This is best done when you can identify the anatomy required to get the job done. It’s even better done if you have the parts you’re legislating about.