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Kathryn Mayer • Writing Out Loud

I write stuff down. writer • humorist • activist

Condom Sense

April 7, 2015 by Kate Mayer 13 Comments

The best defense to sex ed is a strong offense - kathrynmayer.comI have a Costco-sized box of condoms in our hall closet, opened, right up in front, with a handful removed so nobody’s counting or keeping track if any go missing. Easy access, no questions asked.

Like mints, take one. Take two. Just take.

I’d prefer these horny teenagers save it for someone who matters, someone who will love them inside and out, to their very core and soul, and not just until the parents get home.

But it’s been proven that such perspective takes time, and often much trial and error, and while that maturation percolates, I want the teens to have all the facts about STIs, pregnancy, responsibility, compassion, accountability – and free and easy access to condoms. Because the only thing safer than a condom is abstinence and well, that preacher done gone home for the day.

The condom brigade began when my kid’s very gorgeous friend had girls drooling over him: smart, ripped, cuter ‘n cute, funny, and every parent in town loved him. Us included. Way too short for my daughter (says she, not me), so since kindergarten, they were buds. Just buds.

Which is how I found out about the Purity Promise Card.

“YOUR WHAT???”

“This,” he said confidently, taking out his promise card from his wallet and proudly showing me. His promise to wait to have sex until marriage. Signed by the priest and himself. Said it right there, signed on the dotted line. Looked a little like this:
pledge card vs condoms for better protection: kathrynmayer.com

This boy. This young, naive boy whom I’ve known since kindergarten, who still climbed trees and play manhunt in our yard. He was quickly becoming a smokin’ hot teenager who in 9th grade already had upperclassman jockeying for prom dibs. And only a cheesy piece of oaktag to protect him. His brain hadn’t caught up to his brawn – yet – but when it did, that card wasn’t gonna help and I knew it.

“Listen, I want to give you something. Just in case, ya know? I’ll be right back,” I said, and bounded up the stairs. I hadn’t a moment to lose. The weekend was fast approaching!

“Mommmmmm. Mom-mom-mom-mom. MOMMMMMMY!!! DON’T …. ” Kid’s disgust started as a low warning growl, quickly escalated into an emergency broadcast system alerting the boy to the approaching sex-ed tornado coming in. Fast. Take cover.

Which is exactly what I wanted him to do. TAKE COVER.

church lady may frown upon condoms vs pledge card“Your promise is perfect, really, it is. But do me a favor,” I applauded his intentions, hiding my disgust in my best SNL Church Lady voice, coming back downstairs slowly and deliberately.

“Put this in your wallet, because all due respect, but some hot summer night in the back of your parent’s minivan, that Promise Card is gonna get you in a whole lotta trouble, and this, this here might just save your night. And your life. Keep it? Please?  Just in case, you never know. Maybe you’ll never need it, but take it. Promises are good, but condoms are a smart back-up plan just in case your promise card gets dry rot or something.”

The story got out around town, teasing ensued, then it wasn’t long before they started stopping by, just to say hi. Or pick up a forgotten book. Or cleats. Teenagers. Team mates. Friends. Not-so-much-friends. Boys. Girls. Slowly but surely, the box began emptying. Not all in one weekend, but over the course of high school, clearly somebody was getting something. Safely, thank you very much.

By her senior year, most of her peers knew where to go when promises made might be broken. “Seriously, Mom. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is that everyone comes to me for condoms, and I’m, I’m, I’m still a VIRGIN? Agggghhhh. It’s pathetic.”

“Oh honey,” I told her. “Patience. I promise it won’t be forever. You’re going to college, I’ll get you your own Costco box to take with you. It’ll be worth the wait, I promise. Do you want me to make you a card?”


Mike Mayerisms Grandpa Wisdom
Two guys in the back of a truck

Comments

  1. Jennifer says

    April 7, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    This is hysterical!! I loved it. I remember tossing a giant case of condoms into the Cost-co cart as my son and I shopped for his dorm. He nearly died on the spot…I’m sure they got used

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      April 7, 2015 at 3:53 pm

      It’s my go to gift for graduating seniors headed to college: condoms, lysol, and purell. And laundry detergent, because, well, ew. thanks for the read & visit!

      Reply
  2. Kimberly says

    April 7, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    Brilliant parenting and a job well done. Nothing on this earth trumps hormones!
    Kimberly
    FiftyJewels.com

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      April 7, 2015 at 4:06 pm

      Thanks, they think so now, but were mortified (butnotpregant) then!

      Reply
      • Rebecca says

        April 7, 2015 at 6:03 pm

        LOL! I’ll take butnotpregnant over mortified any day – mortified doesn’t need its diaper changed! Great post!

        Reply
  3. Kari Lynn Collins says

    April 8, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    Brilliant. Funny (as hell). Smart. I love your stuff! I single-handedly prevented multiple potential births at Texas Tech with my campaign to leave a large box of condoms there every time I visited my son. I suspect not only did I help several young adults put off becoming parents, but also helped a lot of parents not having to admit their children were having sex before marriage, which isn’t acknowledged much in Texas. Viva la safe sex!

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      April 8, 2015 at 2:22 pm

      Thank you thank you thank you. For all your efforts with horny college kids (and technically challenged, struggling writers).

      Reply
  4. Kimba says

    April 9, 2015 at 10:35 pm

    This is one of THE best reads ever about how to discuss sex with your teenagers – and take action! I so wish some household had the magic box of condoms when I was coming up.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      April 10, 2015 at 11:42 am

      My claim to fame. Condoms and tampons. What a combo. (however, you won’t need the second w/o the first!)

      Reply
  5. 1010ParkPlace says

    May 13, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    Kathy,
    Brava!!!! Brava!!! Oh, how I wish there were more mothers like you. You’re a realist, not a preacher, which makes kids trust you. I wrote a post on my 1010ParkPlace blog called Murder Among the Ruins. First sentence: “The first time I had sex, I got pregnant.” Yep! That really happens! If that wasn’t bad enough, I had an illegal abortion by a Mexican bruha who practiced witchcraft. Thank God I’m still here.
    Brenda Coffee

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      May 13, 2015 at 9:07 pm

      It amazes me how folks think condoms (and sex ed) cause promiscuity. Education lets kids decide if what they might do is worth doing – then or when, where/there, and with whom. Talk is never cheap, and the best the investment in keeping kids safe. I didn’t promote sex for teenagers; if anything, the opposite. I gave them the tools to be safe, should waiting prove too difficult.

      Reply
  6. BigDHoneyBee says

    October 23, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    I don’t know why I’ve never met you, and you aren’t my best friend…aside from the fact that you live on the other side of the country from me, but this is brilliant, loving, real life. You have a huge new fan, and I am so pleased there are other moms out there loving their kids in the real world. Love them but guide them and give them tools. Thank you from one mama to another.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      October 24, 2015 at 1:12 pm

      best. comment. ever. signed, your best friend from CT

      Reply

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About Kathryn Mayer

Kathryn Mayer

An irreverent storyteller with a foul mouth and big heart, Kathryn Mayer (aka Kathy and/or Kate) is a writer, humorist, and (former) activist writing out loud with humor and grace about little life moments with big ripples, including the space between parenting and aging parents, social issues, angsty reflections of midlife, and, sigh, gun humpers. Still. Sometimes a big deal, sometimes not Mayer is a national award-winning columnist, according to the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and her essays have been recognized as Voice of … Read More Here...

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