I sit in the 1970s upholstered MadMen-esque chair directly opposite therapist lady, half my size, twice my age. I sit. She sits. And we sit. I say nothing. She says nothing. For far too long.
I need you to say something, I say. I can’t sit here in silence all the time.
Why not, she therapizes. Why does it bother you to sit with your own thoughts?
I don’t want to play this game. I need help, real help, and stewing in my own thoughts and emotions and turmoil led me here – not to sit in silence together, but to figure shit out, so it’s not so quiet, not anymore.
She nods. Says nothing.
It’s a stare-off.
I live alone. Work from home. Run alone. Eat alone. Walk alone.
Except for the dog.
Who is great company but not so great on conversation.
I sit in silence every day. Just me. Alone with my thoughts, which is not very calming most days and especially these days.
I need to hear people. Hear this person, highly qualified to help get me out of my head, and into my life, but instead, there she sits.
I stand, grab my bag, and turn to go.
“Please sit down,” she says finally. “Kate: don’t go.”
I need someone to talk to, I plead.
To validate, comment, advise, correct, critique, comfort, reflect, direct, witness, respond, acknowledge, analyze, evaluate, decipher, explain, console, challenge, support.
To help make sense of the silence, not add to it.
There’s nothing more to say, I say.
And hand her a check and walk out the door, closing it behind me.
I drive home in silence and when I walk into the house, our house when there was an us, and even the dog doesn’t bark. I look for her under the couch and in the crate and find her sound asleep in my bed, sleeping on the side unused, not even slightly aware I am even there at all.
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NYWC Jeff: Oct 2021: prompt The Sound of Silence. Staying quiet when you feel like shouting.
I’m sorry for your struggles, Kate, but I’m so glad to hear from you, and glad to hear your voice in these lines.
your therapist sucks!
Damn you’re good
You ARE good, Kate. It’s good to read you, and I’m hoping you’re in the process of successfully finding , or better yet- have found, a therapist that meets your need to break through that silence. ♥️
I am feeling you.
If you want to walk in silence, or walk and sing, or walk and talk, but walk together with me (and maybe our doggos), I’d love your company.