Dear Admissions of Elite Liberal Arts College that Promises to Teach Me to Think, Creatively Problem Solve, and Never Take No for an Answer:
Let’s just come out and say it: I’m an atypical applicant to your fine, über expensive ivy covered institution, but I am so unique, so very dashing and different, so unbelievably non-traditional, that this essay most definitely deserves a coveted spot in your maybe pile (if and only if there is not a “if-not-now-then-when pile”).
I haven’t procured recommendations from senators, congressmen, or distinguished anyones. I have not earned a patent. Nor can I swim, cook, play the oboe, sculpt, draw, design or build. I haven’t saved orphans or sent shoes to flood ravaged countries or fed the homeless. I can’t throw a football, softball, lacrosse ball farther and faster than anyone else.
I don’t even have great grades, as I recall. It’s been a while, a long while, since me and my ooh-la-la Sassons sashayed down the high school hallways, but I recall being painstakingly average. And that’s a stretch.
It seems, as of late, I’ve got no marketable skills whatsoever, other than the years that bind me.
You see, I’m old. Not old old, but too old for this college essay application brain drain.
Nevertheless, here I am. Writing to you, to be placed in the incoming highly selected freshman class so that I graduate prior to medicare kicking in. Maybe.
You see, dear sirs and madames, I want a college do-over. (You do hire madames, don’t you? With 70% declared females in typical undergrad student body, don’t tell me you don’t have 70% women on staff? Just think of the money saved, paying all those women with big fat brains so much less than their testicular colleagues. It’s a novel idea to broach with your board: hire women, better bottom line, less tuition, more kids pay their loans and not bankrupt the nation. As long as our esteemed leaders don’t pass the equal pay act, which, they apparently won’t, because, they’re um, men.)
I digress. You see, years of hands-on real-life experience shrouds my optimism. Sorry ’bout that.
I’d like to re-do my college years to learn what I’m missing. It seems my skill set is limited, so says the hiring departments of every job applied for in recent months. I apparently do not have what they need, despite the fact that every on-line job portal floods my inbox with:
–> “Kathryn: Employers like THIS are looking for you!” <–
No, dear email spambot, they are sadly not.
They are looking, for a younger, fresher, more malleable candidate, but they are certainly not looking for me. They want a trophy employee. Younger, hipper. Not the tried and true. They are not buying what my wrinkles have to offer. That is for sure.
Apparently I am too outdated for manager or director, and old enough to solicit a guffaw (I’ve heard it, even without hearing aids) for entry level jobs that pay less than my kid gets lifeguarding, but hey, she is saving lives, and I am merely writing the words, telling the stories to convince, convert, connect real people (and wallets) to your business/organization/non-profit/charity/cause.
This is not life or death, these press releases, newsletters, blogs, social media posts, menus, interviews, billboards, radio spots, video scripts, space ads, web banners, point-of-purchase displays and [insert big inhale BREATH here], consumer packaging, white papers, trade journal articles, grant proposals, and well, rejection letters to applicants more qualified than I – but I understand no one will actually die if they don’t receive an accurate, memorable message, so why pay more than a 15 year old lifeguard at the town park.
So I want a do-over. I want to learn more. Think clearer. Reach higher. And do. One more time. And I want to do it all within your very exclusive, very expensive ivy covered walls. My skill set is weak, my wallet is thin, but my mind is still quite sharp, albeit a teeny-bit cynical.
Pick me. I promise not to be that mom; that return-to-college-mom who does all her homework, asks for extra credit, and ruins the curve. I won’t be her.
I’ll sit in the back, keep my mouth shut, and listen. I’ll bite my tongue when I see young women on campus full of hope and promise ready to conquer the world. I’ll encourage them to go forth and be strong, to not give up, not give in and not go away.
Going away is what I did, and I’ve got great kids to show for it, but playing catch up is hard, if not impossible. Especially at my age. Pick me.
Bravo! You nailed it exactly right, and using your gifts as a humorist? Perfection. We have skills at our age that may not be marketable, and isn’t that such a damn shame? We have so much more to offer than those graduating with bright, polished degrees from Ivy Leagues who have no idea about life or adversity or what the hell Sassoon jeans are! 🙂
Thx for the read; good to know its not just me, it’s us. Or maybe notsogood to know! Thx for read, and congrats on your blog’s great success!
I feel you. I rejoined the work force at 42 after years away and now at 54 my peers are all 20 years younger. They’re lovely people but it can feel funny. I freelanced forever before I found a spot where I fit in.
Freelancing forever, and looking for a place to call home. I feel ike Dori in Finding Nemo: just keep swimming, just keep swimming! Thx for read & kind words.
it’s a strange place to be in when you’re in midlife – so much life experience, so much value and yet we are competing with all these young things with their degrees and shiny faces. I thought I’d never get another job when I left my last one, but age and wisdom is valued in some places – it’s just a matter of finding out where and maybe settling for less than we know we’re worth just so we can have that elusive job. I hope you find your magic place without the do-over!
I’m sure I will — thx for generous read and kind words!
Great article! What an interesting perspective! I bet we all wish we had a do-over at something.
Do overs are possible, at any time, doncha think?
Fun post with a truly heart tugging message I can totally relate to! Well done. I would admit you!
Maybe that’s what blogging/writing conferences are really for: our college do-over! Thanks for the read!
Good luck, Kate!
From one kate mayer to another, thank you!
Will you live on or off campus? Commuter? Greek or no? Matriculation?
Love your can-do, can-do-over message and attitude!
Great stuff. Looking forward to updates.
FISH to the end baby. GDI FISH.
Aww Kate, this is great. I often thought that in my long, arduous climb back up the teacher ladder, while young, perky guys and gals got picked over me, only to return to the same place humiliated for being picked over again. 6 long years and I can’t even count how many interviews. Such a long climb, and I did say once or twice I wanted a refund on my degree, because it the skills I learned in the 90’s are obsolete…you will get to where you are meant to be…until then, see you in the stands!!!
We (NPS) are lucky to have you; well worth the wait. Thx for being so terrific, so kind, and so normal. xo
Thank you! It was suggested tonight that we consider volunteering in an office in the choice of career I am pursuing now. For experience. I knew I would be starting at the bottom, but … not even minimum wage? Really?? SIGH!!
Do not give away your immense talents for free. Do it for change, for charity, for legislation, but not for experience. You are far too valuable.
We just met and I so feel for your situation. One of the many reasons I retired from my 30 years as a career counselor to the unemployed professional was living with their frustration. Yes, their frustration. This was 15 years ago & even then highly qualified people, great credentials, resume, experience, BUT were in their 50’s, struggled & were resigned. My advice then & to you is don’t give up but don’t look in the usual places. Don’t go to those interviews where you know you can do the job but the fit isn’t right. Think about the type of environment you want to be in 9-5, what can you do for that type of company & start asking everyone you know who knows who & go after it.
About your blog, the years in our schools prepare us for entry into the world outside of school. Our life prepares us to live.
Just about the most unique expression of upset, frustration and , I don’t know what else, to the establishment.
Wow, thank you for such a kind & generous comment. Less lonely knowing it’s not just me; slightly more frightening in its implications though!
Beautifully said! Oh how many times I’ve toyed with the idea of going back to college for a do-over, but the energy behind that idea never seems to be strong enough to overcome all he reasons why it’s not “realistic” or the right time. So good for you and thank you for the inspiration!
Energy and time; we all need more! Thx for reading!
What a powerful stand you take in this post. I’m so glad to have clicked on it in the WoF group.
So…. Did they pick you?
hypothetically, absolutely! Thx for read!
So, if we’re in the mindset of a college do-over, we can start at EBWW2016 my friend? Will you promise to hold my hair back when I’m worshiping at the porcelain goddess, cuz I’m a little out of shape when it comes to pulling an all-nighter. Can’t wait to see you in March.
That’s my kinda worship. I gotcha back!
Great post!
The idea of going back to college for a do-over always in my mind, but the energy and tuition behind that idea never seems to be there.
So good for you doing that and thank you for the inspiration!
-Stella Chiu
Energy & $$ always get in the way, don’t they? And time!