• Home
  • As seen on …
    • Advocacy Work
  • About the writer
  • Contact Me
  • Portfolio
  • Get Involved
    • Bloglovin
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • LinkedIn
    • Pinterest
    • Twitter

Kathryn Mayer • Writing Out Loud

I write stuff down. writer • humorist • activist

Trying on shorts in the Target dressing room

March 2, 2016 by Kate Mayer 18 Comments

Not quite sure when this happened, but somehow I got too old for shorts.

Come to think of it, I haven’t noticed anyone in my friend circle who wears shorts and is not a personal trainer. Or yoga teacher.

Cute dresses, skirts, skorts, tennis skirts – that’s a biggie, but apparently I’m the last mom standing in her Target jean shorts.

It’s not a fashion rule forced upon me by AARP, or peer pressure or vanity or People magazine; it’s a consensus I’ve come by all by my lonesome, with some help from the mirrors in Target.

It would have been nice to be warned.

Now that I think about it, my mom doesn’t wear shorts. My mother-in-law doesn’t. Either do any of the aunts or cousins – mine or rather attractive husband’s. Not when overheating during the family reunion in July, not at the beach, not by the pool. They are in pants, or skirts – long skirts, and often stockings. I don’t recall my grandmothers ever wearing shorts and they lived to be about 100. Or at least it seemed that way.

Are we Amish?

Grandmothers sweating

Apparently I’m the age when I too must buy the bottom half of summer wear from the agist/sexist surprisingly accurate pop-ups on my facebook page promising whiter teeth or flatter tummies. Or maybe revert to the inserts shoved into Sunday newspapers, like my own grammy did – before QVC and Amazon and Target on-line ordering made it easy to age.

My grandmother, country-club Nana, wore elastic waist, expensive, taupe or navy linen “slacks,” or maybe a “smart skirt” – but never shorts. Nana always topped it with a blouse from Bergdorf or Gimbels, a jacket, and sometimes Hermes scarf that whafted a unique combo of mothballs and Shalimar. It lingered in the air like Linus’s dust storm, except fancy. I can smell it now.

My nana smelled just like this.

My other grandmother topped her Carol Wright stretchy pants from the Sunday paper inserts with a housecoat. Or duster. Or mumu – call it what you want, but it was an oversized smock like frock, in muted floral designs that may or may not have been a shower curtain in a previous life.

This grammy was usually braless, or the bra tucked around the breasts but unbuckled in the back.

“Can’t reach,” she said. “No one’s looking anyways.” Come to think of it, most days she considered bottoms completely optional too. It was scarring.

And therein lies my gene pool. Half trailer park, half Fifth Avenue.

Back to me and my legs.

Spring is coming, and I need shorts. The past winter – hell the past 10 years – has not been kind to my middle parts, so I perused the shopping mecca of Target where I’m still in time for shorts. I have been directed to the “women’s section” by the dressing room clerk who turned me away not once, but twice, observing I had selected shorts from the “juniors” department, and well, good luck.

Bitch.

I grab an arm full of jean shorts, sized from 6 to 12, because I take off my clothes once. There is no reentry to dressing room hell for this girl. I get undressed one time, and one time only.

Cute, very cute, and I bravely entered the dressing room full of hope and dreams.

And then this happened.

Midlife mom tries on shorts and it does not go well.

I’d like to blame the socks. In fact, I am blaming the socks. Talk about me all you want, but I’m buying the shorts because damnit I’m hot.


Calling all Stand-up Comics and Wannabees
Beauty in eye of beholder: an old story finds new life

Comments

  1. Laura Jacoby says

    March 18, 2016 at 6:31 pm

    Love your writing, can’t stop laughing, but you’ll need those shorts at Sandy! Does Alice wear shorts? Hmmmm.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      March 18, 2016 at 6:56 pm

      I believe she does! I’m going to be Alice!

      Reply
  2. Rosemond says

    March 18, 2016 at 8:30 pm

    Carol Wright stretchy pants!!! Love it and remember those ads. I think you should go with the elastic waist slacks and shirt from Gimbels. Classic Grandma old school style.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      March 18, 2016 at 8:37 pm

      Might just have to do that! Thank you!

      Reply
  3. Camille says

    March 18, 2016 at 9:51 pm

    Love this piece! I, too, remember the exact moment I realized I could never again expose my crepy thighs in public. It was Macy’s dressing room for me. Yup. Capris all summer long from now on, sitting in my lawn chair, reading the AARP mag.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      March 18, 2016 at 11:03 pm

      Doesn’t seem fair does it? We shouldn’t care this much!

      Reply
  4. Anne Louise Bannon says

    March 18, 2016 at 11:03 pm

    I definitely agree – blame it on the freaking sock. I wear shorts all the time (I’m wearing them now) because I get too hot if I don’t – and I proved that this past Wednesday, trying to walk around town in long pants. Besides, we have good legs.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      March 18, 2016 at 11:09 pm

      I’m with you! I might just keep the socks too, just as an accessory. ?

      Reply
      • Dan carr says

        August 2, 2016 at 6:09 pm

        Keep the socks,and you do have the legs for those shorts!

        Reply
        • Kate Mayer says

          August 2, 2016 at 7:43 pm

          I kept both damnit, but admit i don’t wear the socks out often!

          Reply
  5. Beth Montgomery says

    March 18, 2016 at 11:32 pm

    You are awesome Kate. I’m smelling the Shalimar mixed with mothballs. Keep writing, your words connect me with Mike.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      March 18, 2016 at 11:40 pm

      awwww, thx Beth! Didja know today is his birthday? I know he’d be toasting you! Cheers

      Reply
  6. Carol Cassara says

    March 21, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    Wait. Target has a dressing room?? Really? Why have I never seen it? My mother wore a “housecoat” or “duster” too. I always had great legs. Until. Oh well, it’s fine. Aging has so many blessings that this is a small thing. I love capris!

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      March 21, 2016 at 3:06 pm

      I’m gonna stick with the shorts, but I’m going to pass on the duster! PS: Love me some capris too!

      Reply
  7. Rosanne Albert says

    April 2, 2016 at 4:33 pm

    Love the denim shorts…. actually I love everything denim.
    And for all those concerned with the not so attractive thighs, have you seen the results from the 12 week cellulite trial using Renu28 by ASEA ? Making ladies ‘short worthy’ around the world.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      April 2, 2016 at 9:50 pm

      Thanks for the read! I’ll pass on the cellulite trial; afraid I’d be convicted.

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. The financial rewards of having a boy going to prom - Kathryn Mayer • Writing Out Loud says:
    April 2, 2017 at 5:35 pm

    […] up-dos and down-dos, fake tans, bronzing creams, the big-black-hole that is Sephora for many, Target for mine, bobby pins, shoes-shoes-shoes, (tried on and returned, thank you Zappos), then bought, […]

    Reply
  2. Scales are for haters - Kathryn Mayer • Writing Out Loud says:
    March 27, 2018 at 10:21 am

    […] to purchase its own seat, so the rather attractive hubby ventured off on his own study abroad to Target, and low and behold, there’s a scale in our […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Never Miss A Post!
Enter your email address below to receive updates in your Inbox.
No Spam. Promise.
Rams hubbard
Follow @kathykatemayer Tweets by @kathykatemayer

kathykatemayer

Mood. Mood.
Throwback to when this birthday girl was a dorky 1 Throwback to when this birthday girl was a dorky 13 year old and three generations got groped by drunk Bloomingdales Santa in NYC.
Still hard to breathe. Still hard to breathe.
Seen about town, Taunton Hill, nestled amongst man Seen about town, Taunton Hill, nestled amongst many trump flag flying neighbors.But today, it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.The air is clear, stars bright, sun strong. It’s a brand new day. •#BidenHarris2020
Let’s do this, America. • #vote #voting #ele Let’s do this, America.•#vote #voting #electionday #localelections #beheard #bethechange #electionday #thinkglobalactlocal #resist #ctpolitics #gotv #getoutthevote #createchange #stopthemadness #writingoutloud
Did you yet? Are you going to? What's your plan? W Did you yet? Are you going to? What's your plan? Will you remind three/five/ten others to vote as well?Don't forget local candidates. There's more at stake than potus.•#vote #voting #electionday #localelections #beheard #bethechange #electionday #thinkglobalactlocal #newtown #ctpolitics #gotv #getoutthevote #createchange #writingoutloud
If you build it (at the end of the driveway), they If you build it (at the end of the driveway), they will come. I hope.I've spent years earning the trickster rep to all the little kids on the street, and I’ll be damned if covid stops me now. Given away olives in past Halloweens. Broccoli. Pickles. They know I'm holding out on the good stuff.Here's your reminder to wash your hands, wear a mask, and vote.•#viewfromnewtown #newtownct #trickortreat #halloween #covidhalloween #wearamask #pandemichalloween #neighborhood #welcometonewtown #oldladyontheblock
No filter, just all the pretties. If you haven't No filter, just all the pretties.If you haven't voted yet, do it. If you have voted, text/email three/five/ten friends and remind them to.Locals: vote for @rebekahfornewtown for state rep because Mitch is off the rails.•#vote #voting #electionday #localelections #beheard #bethechange #electionday #thinkglobalactlocal #ctpolitics #gotv #Newtown #getoutthevote #createchange #writingoutloud #viewfromnewtown
Locals: Newtown Meals on Wheels needs drivers. Her Locals: Newtown Meals on Wheels needs drivers. Here’s how it works: you drive one day a month, same delivery locations, takes approx 1-1-1/2 hours total. Pickup meals Masonicare/Newtown Rehabilitation on Toddy Hill, return bags there at end of run.If you wanna feel good about something, this is something to feel good about. Call/dm me w questions, or contact Info for Colleen Honan, MOW driver coordinator and all round amazing human.My selfie game is off, this took far longer than it should to get the bag in the pic. Not on FB much, so pls dm on insta or text. And tell Colleen I sent you! •#viewfromnewtown #newtown #sandyhook #newtownct #mealsonwheels #volunteer #giveback #feedct #supportseniors #community #actlocal
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Categories

Lucky Me!

Archives

About Kathryn Mayer

CT writer humorist activist kathryn mayer

An irreverent storyteller with a foul mouth and big heart, Kathryn Mayer (also known by Kathy and Kate), is a writer, humorist, and activist writing out loud with humor and grace about the little moments of life with big ripples, including parenting, social issues, midlife, and, sigh, gun violence prevention. Sometimes a big deal, sometimes not Mayer is national award-winning columnist, according to the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and her essays have been recognized as Voice of the Year from SheKnows/BlogHer, named Best … Read More Here...

Never Miss A Post!
Enter your email address below to receive updates in your Inbox.
No Spam. Promise.
75 kate[at]kathrynmayer[dot]com
xo Kate
  • Home
  • As seen on …
  • About the writer
  • Contact Me
  • Portfolio
  • Get Involved

Copyright © 2021 Kathryn Mayer Designed By: J9 Designs