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Kathryn Mayer • Writing Out Loud

I write stuff down. writer • humorist • activist

We got the minister’s wife stoned on Superbowl Sunday

February 5, 2017 by Kate Mayer 24 Comments

The designated driver celebrating before he was designated to drive
My dad, right, kicking back at his last Superbowl Party with his best bud, the minister, before he had to DD.
We didn’t intentionally get the minister’s wife stoned, it just happened one Superbowl Sunday a couple years back, that last Superbowl before my dad died.

All he wanted was a party surrounded by food and friends, so we filled his house with wings and love, so he could enjoy what everyone knew would be the last party.

It should have been sad, except it wasn’t. In fact, we laughed and laughed and I don’t know who was playing whom, but I know there was plenty of Velveeta, pizza, wings, and boneless spareribs from the greasy Chinese place in town.

“Mrs. Peachtree is wasted,” my sister confided eyeballing the minister’s wife propped up in an oversized chair, nodding off with jerky movements like a bobble head.

“Probably just tired, she’s 80 you know,” I said. “She doesn’t drink.”

“She does tonight,” sister said, as Mrs. Peachtree lurches out of the chair, spins like a line dancer, and bobs down the hall toward the bathroom, bouncing off each side of the hallway like a bumper car.

party foodWorried she had a stroke, I quickly followed her down the hall. “Mrs. Peachtree, you okay? Everything okay?”

She looked at me, through my heathen soul, trying desperately to focus then grabbed my shirt and said:

“Why, Kathy, I do not believe I am. Not okay at all, feeling a little fuzzy I am. A bit out of sorts.”

Mrs. Peachtree had asked for something sweet earlier, and had searched the kitchen for a bit of cake or cookie. What she found, were the saran-wrapped brownies clearly labeled with the universal skull and crossbones:

MIKE ONLY. DO NOT EAT.

These brownies were hidden behind the coffee maker, under the paper towels, empty Chinese take-out containers, and brown bananas, not accessible at all, tucked away under layers upon layers of plastic wrap, clearly labeled “Mike’s” with black sharpie. Clearly, not for public consumption, and definitely not for minister and his wife’s consumption.

When not to eat the browniesThese were not your family-friendly brownies, but rather a carefully concocted recipe of high-test hashish melted and swirled into chocolate, the very fumes of which could have gotten us all arrested. We gave our dad just a stamp-sized bite to help alleviate nausea, pain, and effects of end-stage pancreatic cancer, and a stamp-sized bite was all he needed to take the edge off.

High-test hashish brownies at the Superbowl Party

Mrs. Peachtree did not sneak a teeny tiny morsel, tearing away a chocolatey corner from under the clearly marked do-not-touch plastic wrap. She ate an entire fist-sized brownie, and her 80-year-old, 5 foot, less than a hundred pound frame was processing that brownie rather effectively.

“My heavens, is this what it’s like to be intoxicated?”

“Oh, my,” she said in a sing-song voice, clutching my shirt with both hands and swaying back and forth, trying to maintain her balance on her quickly spinning earth. “My heavens, is this what it’s like to be, to be, to be in-tox-i-cate-d?” she whispered rather loudly directly into my face.

Not the stoners at the superbowl party
This is not the minister’s wife. This is my mom, with Kid3 who filmed the entire event then deleted it as instructed.
I reassured her it was, and that she’d be fine, but perhaps we should go sit down.

“Be a dear, and don’t tell Raymond,” she whispered a little too loudly not into my ear, but into my shirt with her forehead resting directly on my chest. She wanted nothing more than to hide her buzz from her minister husband, but this was not to be, someone was going to have to be DD, and it was going to have to be her 85-year-old husband who had given up driving months ago due to a bum leg that couldn’t keep up with his stellar mind.

“Oooh, Kathy my dear. Shhhhhh, you won’t tell anyone will you? So this is in-tox-i-cate-d! Quite interesting, but I dare say, I do not believe I enjoy this very much.” She paused, considering. “No, I do not. Do you? People do this? Why? I should not have snuck a brownie. Are they all like this? Does this happen to everyone? Oh my, it is rather interesting,” and giggles erupted from her spontaneously, then stopped abruptly as her quick brain struggled to keep up.

“Am I under-the-influence? Does it feel like this all the time?”

For someone so smart, so kind, so giving, I am not sure if she wanted others to avoid the effects of the brownies, or if she was wanted to share the experience. Her questions were endless, her grip tight on my shirt, her eyes focusing and refocusing on something I could not see.

“Will this last long? Are you moving or am I moving? I am not sure I like this. So this is in-tox-i-cate-d. Do you think Raymond will notice? I doubt Raymond will notice.”

Both exhilarated and hugely embarrassed by the experience, Mrs. Peachtree didn’t want anyone to know what happened, except, too late. Word spread, and the teenagers were staged out of sight behind her, all with their cellphones aimed, capturing the buzzed moments, before sworn to secrecy and threatened from ever sharing. (I took no pledge.)

My rather-attractive-husband ran interference with the good Reverend, while my sister gave a play-by-play to our dying dad, whose riddled body shook with laughter. Nobody was watching the game any longer, too much going on in the hallway.

Parting words of wisdom

Raymond was on to her, and quite amused at the frivolity of the encounter. We offered to drive them the short ride home, or have one of the teenagers do it, but all attempts refused.

After carefully escorting first Reverend Peachtree to the car, and helping him adjust the seat and mirrors to drive home, tucking his cane nearby, we basically carried Mrs. Peachtree to the passenger seat, helping her buckle up amidst giggles that it tickled, before she escaped, climbing back out to give us hugs all around.

She would have definitely been the: “Awww, man, I love you guys” type of wasted college kid, had she picked up the brownie habit some 60 or so years earlier.

Buckled in, she waved good-bye and blew kisses, while my rather-attractive-husband, shared this parting words of wisdom to her husband:

“Listen Reverend, you didn’t hear it from me, but drive quickly. If you get home soon, you just might get lucky.”

Are you kidding me??

“Not funny!!” I boomed across the roof of the car, trying to thwart continued frat-boy tips he felt obligated to share with the driver: the revered academic scholar, well-respected minister, famed theologian, historian, professor, dean, and our close family friend, advisor, and mentor,  to which I was blatantly ignored.

“Okay, okay, okay. Forget that. Regardless, Mr. Peachtree, drive safely. And you might want to stop for Doritos and Ramen for the Mrs.. Maybe a Dr. Pepper. Just sayin’.”


We the People got on the bus for Womens March in DC
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Comments

  1. Kari Lynn Collins says

    February 5, 2017 at 10:29 pm

    Brilliant, solid gold. I laughed out loud … Several times! You + Me + One Brownie = a complete script of a sitcom. Beautiful stuff!

    Reply
  2. Linda says

    February 6, 2017 at 9:40 am

    What a great night for your Dad. I love that the teens saw this. You could wag your finger at them during the drug talk and say, “Remember Mrs. Peachtree?” and you could all have yet another laugh about this!

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 6, 2017 at 10:16 am

      They can’t believe she’s 80 and had never been “intoxicated!”

      Reply
  3. michelle says

    February 6, 2017 at 10:07 am

    Holy crap, that is hilarious

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 6, 2017 at 10:15 am

      Thx, my teens thought so too; snapped the entire experience!

      Reply
  4. Haralee says

    February 6, 2017 at 10:33 am

    What a funny story. I wonder if she told anyone about her misadventures at your house or with a brownie?

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 6, 2017 at 10:40 am

      She prefers not to; and will not be happy I did here.

      Reply
  5. Jenn says

    February 6, 2017 at 11:19 am

    I’m dying here. This is hilarious!!! (And something that would likely happen to my mom…)

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 6, 2017 at 12:35 pm

      Keep her on a short leash, and far away from teenagers with the ability to capture every moment!

      Reply
  6. Kathy Radigan says

    February 6, 2017 at 11:20 am

    This is so funny!!!! Thanks for starting my week off with a laugh!

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 6, 2017 at 12:34 pm

      Happy to help. Any reason to laugh is a good reason, especially these days. xo

      Reply
  7. pia says

    February 6, 2017 at 11:20 am

    That is hilarious. I know you didn’t but would have loved it if you “converted” her for the long term.
    I’m not a drinker and wish I wasn’t convinced that smoking hash/pot wouldn’t kill your lungs, to be honest. Eating it makes me too hungry.
    I don’t live in a state where it’s legal but I’m getting too old and too angry at the government to care.
    I’m not ashamed to say I was very popular in college and my 20’s because it made me very happy, very funny yet I could function well. Even my parents thought I was incredibly witty when high though they didn’t know until much later when I told them.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 6, 2017 at 12:34 pm

      The world is catching up w you; legal in many states, so plan your retirement accordingly!

      Reply
  8. Laurie Stone says

    February 6, 2017 at 12:25 pm

    Hilarious! Could be a scene in a movie. God, I can’t imagine my mother stoned. Too funny to think about.

    Reply
  9. Rena McDaniel says

    February 6, 2017 at 5:17 pm

    OMG! That was hilarious! What a story.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 6, 2017 at 5:37 pm

      I hope i’m as good and brave a person at 80!

      Reply
  10. Amber Temerity says

    February 6, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    Hahaha! This is wonderful! And really makes me want a brownie ^_^

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 6, 2017 at 7:40 pm

      I’d give you one, but it would most definitely not be the same!

      Reply
  11. Alana says

    February 6, 2017 at 6:39 pm

    Too, too, too funny! Definitely not a script for a Hallmark movie. Well, maybe in 15 years it will be.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 6, 2017 at 7:41 pm

      Maybe not Hallmark, but definitely Real World!

      Reply
  12. Ellen Dolgen says

    February 6, 2017 at 11:06 pm

    I am belly laughing…………. Thanks for sharing! Heading to dinner…… going to share this blog with my husband.

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 6, 2017 at 11:14 pm

      honored! don’t order the brownie sundae…or maybe, do!

      Reply
  13. Kimba says

    February 10, 2017 at 11:07 am

    Dr. Pepper – brilliant! Well so I’ve heard, from a friend… now I know what to get you next Christmas…

    Reply
    • Kate Mayer says

      February 11, 2017 at 4:35 pm

      Will stock up for room473!

      Reply

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About Kathryn Mayer

Kathryn Mayer

An irreverent storyteller with a foul mouth and big heart, Kathryn Mayer (aka Kathy and/or Kate) is a writer, humorist, and (former) activist writing out loud with humor and grace about little life moments with big ripples, including the space between parenting and aging parents, social issues, angsty reflections of midlife, and, sigh, gun humpers. Still. Sometimes a big deal, sometimes not Mayer is a national award-winning columnist, according to the National Society of Newspaper Columnists, and her essays have been recognized as Voice of … Read More Here...

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