Today would have been my father’s 75th birthday.
To honor him, I present here a partial list of Mike Mayer-isms, and encourage you to stick a finger in the cake at your next party.
Colder than a witch’s tit in July.
“Get your foot off the clutch!”
Jesus H. Christ
You’re a wart on the ass of progress.
TURN. OFF. THE. LIGHTS.
Drive that car like it was made to be driven.
Colder than a three legged woman.
“Get any on ya?”
Get a hair cut? “Got ‘em all cut!“
“Then he doesn’t deserve you.”
Gotta go see a man about a horse.
“No, no, it’s okay. Let the asshole speak.”
There’s the reason national IQ average is 90.
Do not come in here empty handed. Get wood.
The smartest person in the room is the quietest.
You gonna eat that?
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Those apples fell far from the goddamn tree.
“I am so god-damn-proud of you girls.”
Measure twice, cut once. Where’s the goddamn measuring tape?
“Do not lean against that car unless naked as the day you were born.”
Mobil One in the car. Only Mobil One.
Do the right thing, even when nobody’s watching.
Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Got change for a five?
Wipe off the goddamn headlights.
Buy expensive windshield wiper blades.
“Are all the parents assholes or just those two?”
Pick up hitchhikers.
Vote for your town’s budget.
“Goddamn it Siri, I just want to make an f’ing phone call.”
There’s no loans, only gifts.
Always overtip. Always.
Be nicer than you need to be to people who don’t expect it.
“COME HOME NOW!”
Do not talk to your mother that way.