Today would have been my father’s 75th birthday.
To honor him, I present here a partial list of Mike Mayer-isms, and encourage you to stick a finger in the cake at your next party.
Colder than a witch’s tit in July.
“Get your foot off the clutch!”
Jesus H. Christ
You’re a wart on the ass of progress.
TURN. OFF. THE. LIGHTS.
Humpin’ Jesus.
Pay cash.
Drive that car like it was made to be driven.
Colder than a three legged woman.
Get wood.
“Get any on ya?”
Get a hair cut? “Got ‘em all cut!“
“Then he doesn’t deserve you.”
Gotta go see a man about a horse.
“No, no, it’s okay. Let the asshole speak.”
There’s the reason national IQ average is 90.
Do not come in here empty handed. Get wood.
The smartest person in the room is the quietest.
You gonna eat that?
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Those apples fell far from the goddamn tree.
Prick.
“I am so god-damn-proud of you girls.”
Measure twice, cut once. Where’s the goddamn measuring tape?
“Do not lean against that car unless naked as the day you were born.”
Mobil One in the car. Only Mobil One.
Do the right thing, even when nobody’s watching.
Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Got change for a five?
Wipe off the goddamn headlights.
Buy expensive windshield wiper blades.
“Are all the parents assholes or just those two?”
Pick up hitchhikers.
Vote for your town’s budget.
“Goddamn it Siri, I just want to make an f’ing phone call.”
There’s no loans, only gifts.
Always overtip. Always.
Be nicer than you need to be to people who don’t expect it.
“COME HOME NOW!”
Do not talk to your mother that way.
I could see you cracking up at the same time you got a little teary stepping back into your head and heart to write this. Can’t help but hear the voice of a man I never met just by the way you put this together. Awesome.
Thank you my friend!
I can only say I feel pretty honored to have heard pretty much every one of these in person at one time or another… 🙂
All of those – great sayings! Your dad sounds like a hoot! My dad would have been 83 in a week. His favorite saying “Pray to The Lord, but keep on hoeing.”
what a hoot!
I was talking about it being the 30th anniversary of my dad’s death this Mother’s Day and then I clicked on your post and read this. It made me laugh and tear up a little bit because I remember so many of these coming out of my own dad’s mouth over the years!
So sorry for your loss, yet am so glad we have these foul-mouthed nuggets to keep their memory alive!
Love so many of these! Favorite is a tie: “No, no, it’s okay. Let the asshole speak.” & “Measure twice, cut once. Where’s the goddamn measuring tape?” I now see where you got your wit and salty dialect. 🙂
He NEVER measured twice, but preached it for sure. He was more of an ‘ahhhh, close enough’ handyman. Which is quite weird, as he was a math professor. That’s what happens when creative and precise collide.
OMG! What a colorful way with words. I love the last one. Have to leave now so I can write these down on index cards and tuck them into all my jacket pockets.
thx you! I do the same, sort of, and text & tweet them to his grandkids so he’s always kinda there.
I read each one and heard his voice!! I also heard him say…Buy local
i hear him when i read this, not that i spent all that much time at your house. I also hear all the love you shared when you write about him. i love to read your writing – keep on doing it. Hugs.
Jen’s friend